The Depth of My Self Loathing

There are so many things running through my mind today.  So many things I want to share with you before I get to “where we’re really going”.

I’m going to start with the wonders of being a grandma.  When I saw my grandson for the first time, I was convinced that the reason people have children in the first place is so that one day they can hopefully become a grandparent.   How many times have you heard people say, “There is nothing as great as grandchildren”?  I thought it was the most awesome feeling I had since giving birth to my own children.  The difficult part is when you see things you want to help with, or give advice about, and know you need to let them figure it out on their own.  I do think that however being the maternal grandmother must be easier than being the paternal grandmother.  I say this because I feel like it would be easier to talk with your daughter about their new baby than it is to talk to your son.  But, I suppose that depends on the relationship between the mother and daughter.  If it’s the “close like sisters” relationship, it’s most likely a pretty good situation for them both.   But, if it’s the “not close like the other sisters”, then I’m guessing it can be a pretty slippery slope. 

Part of the amazing feeling I thought, was seeing the son of my son.  It was such a proud feeling seeing my flesh and blood move forward to a new generation.  The fun part, lol well let me tell you, the fun part is a grandma gets to do all of the fun things without dealing with all of the not so fun things that come with having a child.  I remember my mom telling my grandma that she didn’t want me to have a bunch of junk food.  I also remember my grandma saying, she was my mom’s mother, therefore she still had the final say, at least when we were at her house.  (That meant a lot of cookies, ice cream, noodles and hotdogs whether my parents approved or not)  J  I remember my parents not always being thrilled with one of my four grandparents for one reason or another, however they were always respectful to them both no matter what they were thinking, because they were their elders, their parents, the people that gave them life and cared for them for all of those years. 

The bonus soon after, was when my son married my grandson’s mother.  She already had a little girl, so now we had two grandchildren!!  Our grandson spent a pretty fair amount of time with us.  I didn’t work on Friday’s so I would often times pick him up early from daycare and we got to spend the afternoon together.  We even had a few sleepovers!  He loved to work with grandpa in the garage and he got to use his very own set of “kiddy” tools.  My dad, their great grandfather, even built a sturdy swing set is his shop which is 4 hours away.  The steel legs were so long he had to bring them down on a trailer.  All of that, just so our little peanuts would have a safe swing set that would last.  We didn’t get to see our granddaughter as often, which was due to her spending 50% of her time with her biological father, but when we did we relished the time we had with them both. 

This is a good spot for me to back up the story just a bit and we will visit a completely new subject for a moment.  As I briefly mentioned in an earlier post, my health had started to suffer.  One thing that I struggled with greatly was my anemia.  If you’re not familiar with anemia, here are some of the symptoms that I was dealing with.  Fatigue, (I would literally fall asleep standing up making supper, then go to bed and not sleep because of my insomnia–stressing? yes)  I had a lot of dizzy spells, horrible headaches, physically felt weak on a daily basis, constant body aches, my memory wasn’t always at its best, and I was always filled with bruises.  After over a year of receiving iron infusions, the decision was made that it was necessary for me to have a hysterectomy.  I have very strong feelings about the negative impact this surgery has on women, both physically and emotionally.  I have always opposed hysterectomies unless it was a matter of life or death.  After a second and third opinion, I finally agreed that this was going to be my only option or I was going to have to do regular iron infusions for another 10 years or more.  For those of you who do not know, iron infusions are EXTREMELY expensive even with medical insurance coverage.  It also meant that I missed an afternoon of work every couple weeks which meant even more money and a not so happy employer.  This is a great place for me to tell you that if you are ever faced with this surgery.  PLEASE O PLEASE do your research.  I am known for over analyzing and doing a ton of research on practically everything.  I did a ton of research, asked a lot of questions, and still ended up on the ugly side of this procedure.  I’m going to get graphic here so brace yourself.  A woman’s uterus has more purpose for her than holding a fetus.  The uterus helps keep other organs in place.  The uterus is located between the vagina and rectum and there are ligaments attaching it to the cervix and the fallopian tubes.  If the uterus is a secondary sex organ.  Many believe that if the uterus and/or cervix is removed a woman’s “sexual abilities” can be altered.  More than that, when the uterus is removed, the other surrounding organs lose stability and can “fall” and this is called Pelvic Organ Prolapse.  There are several different kinds of prolapse all of which are not fun to deal with. 

Now that you’ve had your female anatomy lesson for the day, I will tell you that 3 weeks after my hysterectomy, I prolapsed.  It doesn’t matter which kind, what matters is it is life changing both physically and mentally.   Important parts of my life were now changed for the worse and I was DEVASTATED.  In fact, devastated might not be a strong enough word.  I fell into a deep depression.  That self-worth issue I’ve mentioned a few times, well it was never great for me anyway, but if it was ever going to be the lowest of low….now was the time. 

At this horrible point in my life, all I could see of myself was: 

·       I was no longer a real woman, I was a broken woman, what good was I to my husband now?    He’ll probably just cheat on me now since I won’t be any good.  Obviously I’m a bad wife now. 

·       Will I ever enjoy love making with my husband again or is that part of my life over?  

·       I couldn’t give birth ever again.  (I had no intention of it, but now it was a definite never going to be an option) My husband didn’t have any children, what if for some reason he decided he wanted one of his own and now I CAN’T do it for him….he will leave me for sure.

·       I can’t lift heavy things anymore, so I’ll need to ask for help which means I’m not the strong independent hard working woman I had always tried to be before.  My husband will get tired of this quickly, he’s sure to get tired of me.

·       I can’t lift my grandson.  How can I be a good grandma if I can’t even lift him or carry him when he needs me?  He will hate me.

And not hysterectomy related, but because of my depression these worries were now intensified.

·       I only had 1 son left at home, once he leaves I won’t “really” be a mom anymore and I’ve been a mom since I was 17.  Now What??  I will no longer have a purpose.  I’m soon to be a useless human being. 

·       I’ve put on so much weight, everyone is going to look at me like I’m a failure because I can’t keep weight off.  My grown boys will be so embarrassed by my fat ass and not want to admit I’m their mother.   

·       I’m embarrassing my parents, again.  My husband will leave and I’ll be the loser daughter again.  How could they possible even love me anymore? 

·       I’ve failed at everything, I’m a horrible friend, a horrible mother, a horrible grandma, a horrible wife, why even continue on this earth?  Life would be better for everyone if they didn’t have to deal with me and my crap. 

Needless to say, my Psychologist and husband were very concerned and things had to change quickly because it was no secret to either of them that I was thinking of ways to “leave”.  I was having dreams of my deceased friend from a couple years prior where he was waiting for me to come join him.   I was ready to die.  I was planning to wait until my youngest son graduated if I could, but if I couldn’t between his grandma, his dad and his stepdad, he would be fine, and probably be better off without my crying ass around anyway.  I have always been scared to die, because I’ve never completely trusted or understood what comes next.  I was no longer scared, I was more scared to stay. 

This is where I was mentally for the entire year of 2018. I quit checking in on people, I quit going places, I started buying things to try to help me “cope”, but nothing helped.  I had some good days, but more bad days . 

This brings us to 2019. I will leave you today again with this thought…giva a compliment, the smile you give someone might be a life changing moment, and as always, dont wait to tell your loved ones that you love them, because tomorrow may never come.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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