Mother Guilt vs. Boundaries

Why do we allow ourselves to be consumed by mother guilt?  I can’t help but wonder if secure women are secure mothers and  are they consumed with Mother guilt as much as the insecure mothers.  What do insecure mothers do to help themselves escape this insecurity rut or gutter that they are in. I could go back to my childhood and pick it apart as my psychologist does, but I’m not sure we will find the answer there because every mother has a different story to tell. I believe all mothers must suffer from some sort of uncertainty about their mothering tactics. I can’t help but believe that this is a normal reaction, as here we are, responsible for these little human beings development and I think society tends to hold mothers responsible for any negative issues a child may have.  I equate it to the mentality that says if a house is messy, OBVIOUSLY the woman isn’t doing her job. You don’t generally hear people blaming the dad for children’s issues saying things like, “it’s because their dad is lazy” or “their dad didn’t teach them manners”,or “no wonder they have issues, their dad is such a drama queen”, or my favorite “what do you expect, their dad IS crazy”.

But people don’t hesitate to throw a mother under the bus for being the failure of child rearing.  And then we wonder why some of us are so insecure?  

I cant help but wonder if this is much different than the social pressure women feel to be thin, and have a perfect figure? 

Oops, I went on a tangent, Sorry.   Back on track… 

Taking the focus off of women…

 I feel like most insecure people are probably emotional people.   Why are emotional people and their feelings so easily tossed to the side like they aren’t important or they are overreacting?  Do you want to know how many times I’ve heard “you’re overreacting” in my lifetime? Wait …maybe that’s it. Maybe part of the answer is seeing that when we are insecure, we actually make ourselves easy targets.  That’s it!! If someone is secure, they probably don’t worry as much or care even, about what others say, because it doesn’t matter to them, because they are secure in themselves. Geez, it’s a circle of nonsense, that makes perfect sense. 

Follow me if you will.  

I’m an insecure person, in turn making me an insecure mom, which means I suffer from “mom guilt”.   Which then means some people will see this weakness and use it to their advantage. Those people may be friends, spouses, teachers, our own children, anyone!  So how then do we learn to protect ourselves without losing the person that we are?  

The answer…we must be strong enough to set boundaries.  We need to respect our family enough, we need to respect AND love ourselves enough to set boundaries.  What does that mean? It means we need to be able to say NO, and stick to it. It means we need to believe in our choices, our wants and needs.  We need to believe that we are worth it. Then, we need to make sure that we stick to them. 

I realize now, that the older my children got, the less boundaries I set.  I also realize now, that it shouldn’t of been LESS boundaries, as much as DIFFERENT boundaries.  But I was worried they would hate me, worried they would think I didn’t care. Well that didn’t work out so well for me.  

Boundaries need to be set with everyone in our lives.  We have boundaries at our job, we have boundaries when we are driving, boundaries with our finances, boundaries with our neighbors…but we often seem insecure about setting personal boundaries, especially when it comes to boundaries with people we love.  Because we insecure people don’t like to make things uncomfortable for others in worry that we will make someone mad. I used to think that setting tough boundaries would make people dislike me which would be painful to deal with, when in fact, I now see that setting boundaries is necessary to help to protect me and my relationships with people, especially people I love.  

The people that have hurt me by leaving my life, will be surprised if they decide to come back.  They will find that they don’t get to simply waltz back in and get a welcome back party. Rather they will find some rules and/or boundaries have been put into place since their departure.  Not because I don’t want them back and not to punish them, but to show them that I have gained some self respect and I want to protect myself and my relationships with my loved ones.  

Do you have boundaries?  Do you respect yourself and your loved ones enough to keep those boundaries?  

Don’t wait, your opportunity to do this for yourself may not be there tomorrow, because tomorrow may never come. 

My first set of boundaries are now posted right at the front door of our home.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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