The Birds & the Bees, the Flowers & the trees, his Ex’s and me

Does everyone struggle with feeling like they have to measure up or surpass even the ex’s of your spouse?  We might be talking about long time significant others, spouses, whatever the case is…do you find yourself trying to compete with the ex or are you hyper sensitive about the ex?  WHY IS THIS?  We should give it up, honestly, WE are the one right here, right now the ex is an ex for a reason.  RIGHT???

Talk about a huge insecurity, my husband was with his ex-wife for a short time, she has even passed on since their divorce, and yet I still find myself almost obsessing at times about their time together and wondering if that was better than what we have.  Now seriously, how ridiculous is that?  We have been married longer than they were together period, he divorced her, and it should be obvious that he is happier now.  So why the worry??? 

Just recently I told him that I hate feeling like I have nothing new to offer him.  He has what I will call a “colorful” history with women which insinuates to me that he most likely has experienced an array of “diversity” in his life, including the sexual arena.  While he was living a wild, interesting dangerous lifestyle, I was a boring, doting wife and mother for whom “dangerous” was speeding while I was driving my kids to and from school.  How can I compete with all of that excitement?  Now that he’s married to me, there are no more parties, no more drunken debauchery, no more living on the wild side.  That has all been replaced with responsibility and stability.  (in other words-everything that his past was not) 

I find myself thinking things like….She was smaller than me.   She was prettier than me.  She liked to party a lot.  His family approved of her.  His family liked her more than me.  They did more traveling than we do.  They lived a more exciting lifestyle than we do.  I often wonder about stuff such as….Does he miss her cooking?  Did he like the way she dresses better than how I dress?  Was she a better housekeeper?  Was she a better decorator than I am?  Does he like our home as much as he liked theirs?  Or more specifically, does he like our bedroom as much as he liked theirs?   Some of the more personal things that run through my head are….Did she (or any of them from the past) look better naked?  Is there someone he thinks of and wishes our sex was as good as it was with “her”? 

I can’t be the only insecure person in the world that thinks about this stuff.  CAN I????  Assuming I’m not the only one, why do we put ourselves through this?  Why is it so hard for some of us to believe that we are lovable and accept that the life our spouse has with us is exactly what they were waiting for?   Why would anyone worry about such ridiculous things, instead of focusing on the present?    News flash…I am his wife now, our life together is all that really matters.  Any memories he has about his past has NOTHING to do with me, which means they don’t take away from me or our relationship.  If he still wanted all of the stuff from his past, he would still be there.  Right?!?  It seems so simple and it should be so obvious, and yet it’s so hard for me to believe. 

What sick about this thought process of mine, is that I seem to forget that I also have an ex.  More than that, my ex is still in my life because we have children together.  More than that still…my ex-mother in law is one of my best friends and My ex-sister in law and her daughters are also a big part of my life.  Who do I think I am?  He has to accept that part of my past in our life every day, but I can’t get over worrying about his past taking away from our present?  Seriously…when I say it out loud I’m embarrassed.  Do I think I’m that damn special and am filled with selfishness, or is my self-worth actually that fricking low?  Either way I look at it I think it’s selfish and it’s terrible.  Which then takes me right back to “why can’t I just get my damn head right and be normal?” 

What is normal?  I suspect it’s normal for most people to wonder about these same things to some extent at some point.  I also suspect it’s normal to want to be “the best choice”.  It’s when it crosses the line from a quick thought, to obsessing about it day after day that’s the problem.  So why do I need this constant reassurance that I am worth it?  It starting to look like, every issue I have goes back to my self-worth.  Was I born with this?  Is there one particular situation from my past that caused this?  Did one person in particular plant this seed of self-doubt, or is there a conglomeration of things that contributed to this issue of mine?   I can’t help but believe that the key to my healing and self-improvement is finding out or at least understanding the why, when and where and confronting it head on. 

I am 47 years old, and I am tired of losing precious time in my life to this demon.  Not only is it not fair to me, it’s not fair to my husband or anyone close to me, I’ve allowed this demon to steal from my life and that affects anyone in my world.  My thought process is pretty black and white.  I need answers to questions, I need to be able to close a book in order to move on.  It’s time I pay special attention to this, deal with it, fix it, and then believe in it so that I can live free of these chains of doubt.  I’m worth it……right?!?!?!?

Don’t wait until tomorrow to deal with your demons, they are stealing precious time from you.  We never know what tomorrow will be our last, don’t wait another moment because you, your loved ones, and your life are worth it. 

This is my Queen crown to match my husbands King crown

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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