Feeling The Loss

I can’t believe this week has come already. I have been dreading this week for several months. I have been doing better with my depression and making progress in my self healing journey, but the time has come that I have to face two of my toughest emotional triggers. This week will be our grandsons 3rd birthday and it also marks 3 years since our brother Sporty committed suicide. So much sadness and reminders of what is lost. I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed.  Thinking about my grandson turning 3 years old and that he has lived more of his second year of life without us than he did with us. As a matter of fact, he lived the majority of his second year without two sets of his great-grandparents, without two sets of his grandparents and without two of his uncles. You may not think this sounds like a big deal because many people go that long without seeing relatives due to busy life circumstances and distance between families these days. What makes this situation ridiculous and almost unbearable is that everyone lives in the same town except the one set of great-grandparents who live out of town. However, they have been here in that time frame to see everyone, but our grandsons family wont acknowledge any of us.  I haven’t cried in several weeks, in fact other than at therapy it’s been 2 months since I’ve cried about this. Not because it’s not important to me, but because I am successfully working to moving forward with my life. I finally realized one day that my psychologist is correct when she says I can’t just sit and wait for people to get their head out of the clouds. There is much life to live without those people, and I acknowledge that my life is not over without them being a part of it. It seems like no matter how much time passes and no matter how good my therapy is going, I still can’t believe that this is happening in my family. I have heard stories of this happening, I have watched it happen to other families from a distance, but never in a million years would I have guessed it would happen in mine. So this week I will go shopping for a birthday gift for my three-year-old grandson to put in the treasure box that we are keeping for him so that one day he can see that we never walked away from him and he was never forgotten. Yes I have talked about this before, and I will continue to talk about it until I take my last breath. We have all heard of parent or grandparent estrangement when there has been abuse, neglect or when there is an addict somehow in the mix. This is not the case in our situation. If you were to talk to my son, he would most certainly give you a different version then what you will hear from me. Regardless of which version of the story you choose to believe, I feel confidence that you would agree that him keeping a young boy from family that loves him is an unnecessary ugly.

My son thinks he is proving some magnificent point and is so focused on “being right” and hurting us that he doesn’t even realize that the biggest hurt is the unjust hurt that he is putting on his own son. We all know that one day when his son, our grandson, puts it all together and realizes what he was cheated of, it is likely that he will resent his parents for it and they may find that they have an ugly price to pay. We’ve all seen it or at least heard of it before.

What could possibly drive your own son to grow up and be so mean, so vindictive, and so heartless to his own parents, grandparents and brothers. I wasn’t an addict then, nor am I now. He was never abused in any form. The only abuse, if any, was the chronic lying and manipulating our son did to all of us on a regular basis.

My second source of this weeks sadness is my brother Sporty. I miss our brother Sporty for so many reasons. First of all, I’m sad that he thought he was worth nothing more than ending his life. I’m hurt he didn’t trust to talk to me or trust in how much I and so many others, cared about him. At the end of his life. there was an addict. Sporty was my friend, I called him my brother and he was the addict. It’s no secret that his addiction drove him to unclear thoughts and actions the last year of his life. Every time there was crap to cope with in my life, he was there for me. I always knew that I could call him. I knew I could count on him to tell me the truth. He always supported me, supported my family, and if all else failed, at minimum I knew I would get a “You got this sister”, a smile, and a hug.

If I could talk to my brother Sporty today I would ask for his advice. I believe he would tell me to keep doing what I’m doing. He would tell me as he always did, that I’m a great mom and an awesome Grandma. He would tell me that some people, no matter how old they are, just can’t help but act like A-holes because of their own issues that they refuse to acknowledge. I can honestly say he would probably disagree with my psychologist in the way that he would have told me to go to my son’s house and give him a swift kick in the a–.  That I can almost guarantee.

Sporty was a very big believer in respecting your mother no matter what. I can’t tell you how many discusions we had about various family issues either within one of our families or another family close to us. He was a firm believer that no matter what you think of your mom or what she does, she is still and always will be your mom, and your mom is someone that can never be replaced. Sporty was always telling me what a good mom I was and how lucky my kids were to have me. Don’t get me wrong, he told me plenty of things about my life that I didn’t want to hear as well but whether we agreed or disagreed, he always treated me like I mattered. RIP Brother

If I could see my grandson today, I would wrap him in my arms and tell him how much I love him. I would tell him no matter how far apart we are, and no matter how long, he will always be in my heart. I would tell him how handsome he is and I would tell him how smart he is. I would tell him to never let anybody keep him down and to believe in himself because he can accomplish anything he puts his mind to. I would tell him to always show people respect, to know that everyone has a story and it’s important to always respect their story because we never know what we can’t see. I would tell him to play hard, take naps when he can, do his homework and to brush his teeth. I would make sure he knew that I will always be here for him, and I would tell him that I will never forget the wonderful days that we spent together and I will cherish them always. I would tell him I’m sorry that this has happened to him and that he did nothing to deserve it. Most importantly, I would remind him of how much I love him.

Don’t take the relationships you have with people for granted. Don’t assume you have all the time in the world to spend with the people you love.

Tomorrow, someone or something out of your control may take your loved ones away. It’s wrong but it’s true. The ones you gave everything for, could turn and be ugly to you.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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