No one Said It was Easy

Some days all I want to do is stop existing.  It feels like a lifetime ago that I felt like I had something to smile about every day.  I know my children all loved and respected one another, or at least 3 of the 4 did, but now it’s only a distant memory.  I hate the holidays. Once upon a time, buying a 97 cent plastic truck for my first born made me so proud and the smile it gave him was priceless.  I don’t get to see his smile anymore, now it’s only a memory.   

When you have children, you love them all the same.  Your relationship is different with each one because you all have different personalities.  Therefore you can expect that you may agree with one more often and disagree with another. While you may have more in common with another, and with another share more laughs.  No matter what sort of connection you have with each, they are all special.  

I believe that because I was so young when I had my first, that I treated him more as a friend.  Mind you this started when he was born and carried through the years. When he was born, he was all I had, and so when I was lonely, I talked to him.  He was too little to understand, but I didn’t care. Unfortunately, as he got older, our relationship never really changed, so I talked to him like he was my brother, not my son.  He was also the one who always told his brothers to respect me, especially the one that I no matter what I did, was never enough. You would often hear him say something along the lines of “cuz she’s our mom that’s why”, or “look what she’s given up for us”.  I’ll never forget the time he brought a girl home to meet me, and when they were getting in the car to leave, he gruffly told her to “say goodbye to my mom”.  

I will tell you, if you’ve never had a son stick up for you, have your back so to speak, it’s one of the greatest feelings in the world.  Have you heard the saying “…a son is your son until he marries a wife”? I’ve always known, expected, was preparedI to fall from the #1 spot to the #2 spot.  I understand it and don’t have a problem with it, understanding that I was a wife to someone also. When my son’s relationship became “long term”, he started to tire of her mother and no longer spoke kindly of her.  What happened next? He no longer treated me with respect or dignity either. This has happened to me with 2 sons now, so I ask myself…Is it really me? Or have they started to despise women? They both treat their significant others in a less than desirable manner as far as I’m concerned, and neither likes their mother in law.  Now it’s true that one has treated me badly more years of his life than he treated me well, but this is basically new territory with the other. 

I wish I could tell you the secret to keeping your sons happy, but I do not know one.  I have 2 more sons, and so far so good. (Yes one has a significant other). Maybe the difference is that she treats me with respect and so he need not cast me aside.  Maybe it’s because he’s seen the pain that can be caused and he refuses to cast aside family. Maybe it’s both.  

The holidays suck when your family is f—ed up.  I used to love Christmas, even when I was poorer than a church mouse.  

When asked what I want for Christmas this year, my initial reply was “to have my family back”, but today I realized that will never happen.  Not because they won’t come back, but because even if they did, it will never be the same. I suppose I will always love them, but I can’t have any respect for anyone who doesn’t hesitate to cause this kind of pain to anyone, much less their family.  To think that for all of these years, I would have given my last breath so that either of them could have just one more. (In fact I actually offered it up when my son was on life support) But now, I don’t know that I would, not any more, not for them at least.  The point being, my Christmas wish this year is not for ungrateful kids to come, it’s for them to experience this same betrayal of which they have bestowed upon me and my family.  

Harsh?….No.  Necessary. 

When you are a mother, you make tough decisions every day, it’s what separates us from the rest.  We don’t have the leisure of doing what we want to do, we have the never ending burden of doing what is necessary, and it’s not always easy.  No one has ever said being a mom is easy.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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