I need to find PEACE. I have been so bitter lately, and it’s exhausting. The closer it gets to Christmas, the sadder and more bitter I am. My heart aches each and every day. Half of me thinks about reaching out to them, and the other half knows that if I do I am only stepping into a trap. Sometimes I wonder if I would have wanted to be a mom if I had known it meant I was going to endure this kind of heart ache.
I know in my head that I have done nothing to deserve this. I know that the pain they are causing me and the rest of the family, will haunt them one day. I have done and am continuing to do what I need to do for my self growth and self preservation. But no matter what I do, no matter how healthy my actions are….the heartache doesn’t stop.
Where do we find PEACE so that we can calm that inner sadness? I thought going to church was going to be the answer, but it was not. In many ways in fact, it made things worse. Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying, I don’t think God is making it worse. I simply believe differently than the church I had found. However, the people in the church did help me start the process of finding my faith again and for that I am greatful. I have not yet found my church, but I can feel the pull of my Catholic roots and have been talking with special people in my life about it. Perhaps that is one place I can find PEACE.
I find another part of PEACE in my husbands arms. When he holds me I can feel his love and his sorrow around me, and it is comforting. I find yet another part of PEACE when I talk with my two remaining sons. They know the situation, they know the entire story from all sides, and they understand because they too have been victims of the same bullying. I feel PEACE when they say “I love you”, and I feel PEACE when I see them going on with their lives not letting the bullies steal time from them. But it still feels like there is something missing. Perhaps when you feel such a deep betrayal, total PEACE is not possible.
I need to refind my strength. I need to regain my faith in myself. I need to remind myself of the stress and heartache that I had when they were around and remember the guilt trips, the manipulating, the feeling of inadequacy they caused me. No mother deserves being abandoned by her children, but no mother deserves to be treated badly by them in a constant basis either. I need to be strong for my 17 year old son, I need to be strong for my husband, I need to be strong for my Grandchildren because one day they will come looking for us and they deserve to find us all. But mostly I need to be strong for me. I deserve happiness just as much as anyone and I need to not let the bullies steal any more of it from me.
I realize there will be good days and there will be bad days, but they are my days to live the best I can. I will fight through this feeling of yuck again, as I have before so many times. We all deserve happiness. Don’t let the Bully no matter who it is, steal any more time from you. You deserve better than that.