Family? Are you sure?

Dealing with family issues is very  exhausting. Some days are better than others.  Some days I am angry and wish the people that have hurt me would fall off the face of the earth. Some days I simply forget about it and them by keeping myself overly busy and ignoring mankind.   And some days I am so sad and brokenhearted that it takes every ounce of energy in me just to pull myself out of bed in the morning. 

We all need strength to deal with the junk in our lives. I suppose there may be different types of strength to be had. Some people find strength in exercise. Some people find strength in prayer. Some people find strength in reading or writing.  Some people find strength in music. Some people find strength from the show of support from their loved ones.  But regardless of how or where we find any sort of strength, I believe true strength comes from within ourselves. It’s finding that inner self in which our strength lies that can be so difficult.  Im the past, I had always found my strength in being surrounded by my family. Losing half of my family sure changed that for me. Perhaps that’s part of what makes my situation so depressing for me.  I not only feel like I lost my family, but I lost my great source of strength.

After the past 8 months, I was finally starting to feel like the rest of our extended family was seeing the whole picture of our unfortunate situation.  It made me feel like my youngest sons and I had their support.  (no doubt it had to do with the fact that they were also being ignored)  In the beginning everyone was shocked, but not a lot of “this isn’t right” was said.   Recently, the “cruel son” reached out to some extended family members acting like nothing had happened.  The first visit being a fake emergency to test the waters, and now that he has seen that they won’t confront him he will kiss ass hoping they forget about his sick actions.  That’s his game, after 20+ years I know it well.  So now, those family members just picked right up without any consideration of the effect it will have on us, the mother father and brothers he has so easily bullied and then forgotten about.  It’s made me realize, that being a family doesn’t mean the same to everyone.  After being lied to, bullied, cheated and tossed to the side like garbage, I realize that even “loving family” can turn on you in a second. The support you have from the rest of said “loving family” may not stand up for what’s right, they might simply do what’s easiest for themselves. When you ask them about it, they will give you some sort of “excuse”. Well people, excuses are like —holes, everybody has one. I used to think I had 30 or so “loving” family members that I would have bet that I could trust with my life. I now realize I was a fool and that number is MUCH smaller. 

I need to find that place within me that holds my strength.  I know I have it because I’ve used it before. It’s true, it’s been stomped on a bit, but I believe I still have it, I just need to believe in it in order to use it.  My mistake was believing I needed their support or approval to be strong.  I realize now that believing that your “loving family” will stand behind you, stand up for you is just a hopeful thought, an illusion even.  I’m not saying all of our “loving family” will leave us standing alone, but don’t count on all of them because the hard truth is that many, no matter who they are, will only stand up for you until doing so means discomfort for themselves.  Therefore giving you the feeling of an indirect betrayal.

Our true strength is believing in ourselves. So many of us hold on to the illusion that we need other people to give us strength, especially our family. We believe in our family and in the love and loyalty of all of them, and in turn we feel invincible. We deserve to feel this way on our own, but sadly sometimes we don’t feel like we do. We think we need the approval of those around us, and that approval or understanding gives us strength. I know this because I too feel this need.

We need to empower ourselves by digging deep and finding our own strength. I believe when we use our own strength from within, we will also have peace. By seeking counseling, I am learning what it takes to find my strength. I am learning that each of us is different therefore there is no one right solution. I have also learned that it is ok to be resentful and hurt when someone you love betrays you. When it consumes you, your mind, your days…that is what is NOT OK. I need the help of therapy and meds to keep it from consuming me. I’m also blessed at this time of my life to have a husband that works hard to help free me of the YUCK.  I’ve also learned that it is healthy to set my boundaries and tell people when their choice makes me feel forgotten. The key is to know that I can only tell them I’m hurt and not try to make them behave one way or another. And that my friends is using my strength.

You will never forget betrayal, either direct or indirect, and it is your decision alone to forgive. Whatever you decide is ok, as long as it gives you peace. Be honest with yourself and with others. If others aren’t strong enough, dont let that take away from your strength. There are already more than enough bullies and fake people in this world, you dont want to become one of them. Are you tired of the YUCK? Good. You should be.  

Take care of yourself.  Love only who deserves your love, accept only those that deserve your acceptance.  You are worth the respect you desire.  Find and use your strength to find peace for yourself. If that means you need to separate yourself, then do so. Need to get off of Facebook, then do so. Stop calling? Then do so. There is no need for you to be an ass about it, just do it. Maybe you are the one who needs to make the tough decision to love from afar. Find a circle of people that will support you and stand up for you, even when it’s hard to do. That’s a family. Surround yourself with people that you benefit from from as much as they benefit from you. That’s a family.

Stop worrying about everybody else, it’s time to worry about you. You will have good days, you will have bad days, you will have days of indifference. The point is…they are your days. Take care of yourself, be mentally healthy. A good family won’t stand in the way.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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