A New Direction

I’ve shared with you how I got to this depressed state. I’ve shared with you what has contributed to my depression. I’ve decided it’s time to add another branch to this story tree of mine. I’m going to share with you my day to day feelings. I might not make it here EVERY day, but I will do my best.
Until my hysterectomy nightmare, I had never experienced major depression.  I went almost a year without any help until I finally realized I needed to seek professional counsel in order to stay alive. 
Did you know that if you are put on the wrong medication it can cause you to experience symptoms of other mental conditions.  Where I’m going with this, is I was put on an antidepressant for the first time and OMG did I feel amazing. 

Wellllll… I felt so amazing that I was doing some outlandish things, turns out the medication put me into hypomania which meant I was now to be considered to have the condition “bi polar II” aka “soft bi polar” or even more distinctly labeled by some professionals as “bi polar III” aka medication induced bi polar.  This means my body chemistry didn’t react accordingly to the antidepressant and now I will forever be at high risk of going into a hypomania state . 
At this point I learned what bi polar really is.  Bi polar has been looked at as a nasty behavior as such a person jumps from extremely happy to extremely angry or sad at a drop of a hat.  This IS NOT the true definition of bi polar. When someone is truely Bi polar II, they are commonly dealing with depression and can experience some sort of trigger that will put them into a state of hypomania.Often times people diagnosed with ADHD also deal with this mild state of bi polar.  Many people live their entire life in this state and never deal with it and/or it never causes them any issues.  This is MUCH milder than the typical bi polar aka bi polar I, which is actually going from a depressed state to hypermania easily and/or often. 

Lovely right?  Ya, I was thrilled to get this news.  I was then advised to have a geneology test done that helps doctors to know which meds are metabolized correctly by your body.  This can help with behavioral meds, heart meds, and pain meds.  The results of the test showed that
1.  My body is NOT capable of metabolizing the antidepressant they put me on initially.  Hence the hypomanic state it put me in.
2.  My serotonin receptors do not work. (Explains a lot)
3.  I can never be put on warfarin as it could be fatal for me. 

So now we have to figure out not only how to help me beat this severe depression, but also how to keep me from going into hypomania. 
I laugh because it’s almost like my auto immune shit.  We know you have this(a), but your blood tests say this(b), so we will treat you for this(c).  Ha, welcome to the world of my f—–up  body. 😖 Can’t ever be normal…
Let me explain my “mental  being” with you.  I have always been chronically obsessive, dealt with a particular form of OCD, ADHD, and chronic anxiety with regular panic attacks.  In 2015 I was diagnosed with c-PTSD (complex PTSD), in 2018 clinical depression and most recently medication induced bi polar II. 
Now I’m on meds that keep me calm (sort of), meds to overcome depression (sort of), and meds to help me sleep (sometimes).  I still cry more than I should but I’m no longer suicidal, I’m still very anxious but don’t have daily panic attacks, and I USUALLY sleep better.  However, I’ve gained a ridiculous amount of weight, feel blah and not interested in doing anything outside my house. 
My 17 year old son sees me cry so hard I hyperventilate every couple weeks if not weekly, my husband has lost his spunky wife that loves to “live”, and my friends rarely hear from me much less see me.  My husband and son are saints and my dogs are my saviors. 
I’ve always understood that how people act is due to what life has handed them, but I never truely believed someones “person” could actually change…until now.
If you see someone overweight, underweight, ragged looking or crabby, don’t judge, it might simply be that they’ve been through more shit than they can handle and they are fighting to survive.
#hanging on #tryingtocomeback #overwhelmedAF.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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