I often try to get off of my meds.  I was raised with the notion that meds are bad and doctors are evil.  Because of that, I’m never sure if I’m doing the right thing or if it’s all a big bad decision.  Because of my chronic obsessing and anxiety, I worry about it every single day.  I worry about most everything every single day, my mind never stops.  Every day I spend a good portion of my day worrying about every decision I make afraid I made the wrong one.  This is my life.
I’ve been taking meds for my ADHD for a few years now.  My primary functional medicine practitioner suggested I start it, with the hope that it was alleviate some stress from my life.  She was very concerned about the toll stress was taking on my health.  I debated it for quite some time before I finally decided to try it.  I will forever remember the first day.  For the first time, I felt calm all day.  I was able to focus and didn’t jump back and forth from thought to thought.  I got so much accomplished and felt no pressure.  I got all of my work done that day, I felt like I was po art of a miracle.  I was tested for ADHD and when I got the results I was flabbergasted.  The level of severity put me in the top 2%.  The doctor was amazed that I have never been in jail, and I graduated high school and a trade school.  He was impressed with how well I had taught myself how to cope with my “rapid moving thoughts” (ADHD).  If you ever spend time at my house, you will see that I make lists for everything and I have post it notes in every room.  Well, I did.  Since I’ve been medicated I still make lists, but not nearly as many post it notes. 
A few days ago I ran out, and the pharmacy had to order more.  It doesn’t bother me too much when I’m home, but going to work without it is not easy.  I didn’t have it this morning and I ran in circles like a caged animal all morning.  I got work done, but I was so exhausted and panicked from the feeling of being overwhelmed and starting and stopping and forgetting what I was doing.  I called my doctor this afternoon requesting anything to help until my meds came in because I did NOT want to deal with another day like this.  My jaw hurts from clenching it so tight for so long.  At the same time however, I keep telling myself how weak I am and dumb I am for “letting doctors convince me” to use them. That’s just a tiny piece of typical day in my mind.

  • Is it wrong that I was taught to believe doctors are evil? I mean, is it completely absurd that it causes me so much stress and worry? Where other people taught this? Do other people worry this way or are they able to be logical where I am not? Or….are doctors really evil and I’m one of the lucky ones to have been taught the truth, and now I’m fucking up my life by listening to them?

Again typical crap that ponders in my mind consistantly, causing me worry and stress.  Am I doing it right?  Am I doing it wrong?  Will people believe me when I tell them, or will they think I’m just a drama queen?  Believe me when I tell you, I will give anyone every detail if it means they will validate my decisions.

This is my reality, and this is only ONE of my daily mental struggles. Welcome to my world. Welcome to my brain. Hang on because it’s going to be a ride like no other.



Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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