I wake up in the morning, and first thing I remember is 2 of my children hate me, one of my sisters thinks I’m worthless, I’m fat again, I’m a terrible mother and I miss my grandson. Followed by the days first trickle of tears. This thought then brings me to the next which is, Why am I like this? What did I do wrong? I’ve done nothing but give and love all I could to my family. I get out of bed and see my grandsons 2 dinosaurs on my desk and more tears go down my cheeks because it’s been almost a year since I’ve seen him. I know children of his age grow so fast, and change so quickly, And to think that I’ve missed so much. The next place my mind goes is how angry I am at my grandson’s parents. I’m angry at my son because he has been so selfish all of his life, lying, manipulating, Whatever it is that he needed to do to make himself feel important. This thought then takes me to remember his biological father and what a worthless pile he was and how horribly he treated me. During these thoughts, I am frantically taking my first set of meds so I can poop before I leave the house. If I dont go before I leave, my body gets too tense and I wont poop all day. That means my rectocele will hurt until the next morning meaning sitting and walking will be very uncomfortable so time is of the essence.
Now I’m putting on my makeup and doing my hair for the day and looking in the mirror seeing how disgusting I look, all the weight that I’ve gained, how embarrassed I am and I could just crawl into a hole. Getting dressed seeing how huge my clothes look. GROSS!
While I am in the kitchen finishing up my final things, getting ready for my day(second set of meds and vitamins), I think about my husband and I wonder where he is, if he’s tired, if he’s having a good day, I see his image in my head and think how sweet he is, how good looking he is and how did I ever score him? I’m wondering did he see someone so pretty today that he can’t get her off his mind?
Now I hear my son coming out of his bedroom and going into the bathroom to take a shower. The first thing that goes through my mind is, I hope he has a good day, I wish I could do more for him, I wish I was a better mother, I wish he had his brothers around, OMG I gave him such a horrible life.
Now I let the dogs out for their last potty before I leave, as I do I see the pool outside, and think to myself OMG there’s no way I’m going to be able to have any pool gatherings this coming summer, look at me, there’s no way I’m going to get into a swimsuit not even in my own yard. YUCK
Now the dogs come in, I start to gather my things to leave and get in my pickup to drive to work. On my way to work I think about how I can try to keep the boss from being crabby today. Honestly, my boss is most likely a nice person on a personal level, however they are very hard to work for. Every morning I play through my mind every scenario that is possible for the day to prepare mentally in order to try to keep the crabbiness at bay. The toughest part is nothing is ever the same. The “rules of engagement” are different daily and you never know until it’s too late. If I see a pretty lady while I’m driving, I am reminded of the possibility of my husband seeing a beautiful woman today and wishing that I was still pretty.
While I’m driving and/or stopping at each stop light more random thoughts that I have nearly every day…
I wonder how my son and his girlfriend are doing?
I wonder if they work today or have the day off?
I wonder if I’ll get a chance to call or text him today, I sure love getting to keep in touch with them.
That takes me back to the sadness of having the two sons that are no longer in my life. Tears will dribble down my cheeks as I remember the horrible things that they said about me, the horrible things they said to their little brother.
Of course this thought then takes me immediately to missing my grandchildren yet again and I’ve only been up for two hours.
I won’t bore you with all of the hour by hour details of my day at work. But more common random thoughts throughout the day will include. Each and every time the boss “snaps” (which is quite often, boss has a tendency to talk to people like they are beneath them and you often feel like you are worthless). This takes a toll on everyone, but everyone in the office works very hard to support each other knowing what it feels to be like on the other end of that “snappy” attitude. It didn’t take a huge toll on me the first couple years, however since my depression has started, I admit it takes the wind right out of me. More random thoughts I have during my workday include.
I wish I could do this better.
I wish I was smarter.
Oh great the boss is upset again. I should have been able to keep her from being so upset.
Oh man, co-worker (A) is being extra dramatic today and trying to get everyone to join her in her “black box”
I wonder what I did to make her so crabby. (It surely was me)
Oh my goodness I saw the way they (patient. Mailman. Delivery guy) looked at me, I’m sure they’re thinking holy crap has she put on a bunch of weight she must be lazy and eat like a sow.
I’m so embarrassed that people are seeing me look like this, what can I say so that they don’t think that I’m just some gross disgusting obese person that sits around and eat bon-bons
I wonder where my husband is? I wonder how many pretty ladies he seen today.
I hope school is going well for my son. I hope he’s getting his school work done. Gosh I love him so much, I wonder how long it will be until he decides that he hates me too.
What will I do if that happens?
Daily I hear an ambulance go by which brings back the memories of my one son’s near fatal accident. Now I remember the photos of the accident that they showed on the news. His crunched motorcycle laying on its side, his tennis shoe probably 20 feet away in the middle of the street. Now my hands are starting to shake, sweat is dripping down my face, my stomach is starting to turn. Next I remember him lying there in the hospital on life support, I remember holding his hand, I remember him writing on a piece of paper with the most fearful his eyes, am I dying?
Now I’m back to reality and remembering that he hates me, he won’t talk to me, he has spoken the words that he does not want his name to pass by my lips ever again. A few more tears down my cheek. But a quick tissue to wipe it away as I can’t let anyone know that I’m not perfectly fine.
Once my work day is over, while I’m in my vehicle driving home, I wonder if today is going to be the day that he tells me that nothing’s the same anymore and he just can’t handle being with a fat girl.
I also wonder if my son is going to be home, or be at work, and how was his drive there?
I then realize “well I haven’t gotten any phone calls so he must have gotten there safely”.
Of course then I also think about my other son in my life and wonder, he’s 22 years old, would they call me if something happened? He doesn’t live at home anymore.
Of course a quick memory of the two sons that are no longer in my life, Which brings another reminder of the grandson that I have lost because his parents won’t let him see us. Here come a few more tears down the cheeks again. Once I’m home, I change out of my work clothes and into my home clothes, or my exercise clothes. While I’m changing my clothes, I am again disgusted with my size. Fast forward to after supper. Maybe I realized that I haven’t heard from my brother or my sister today, then I wonder if they didn’t contact me because they’re mad at me, or maybe they are waiting for me to contact them, and I didn’t, so now they’re going to be upset with me because I didn’t. Or maybe I realize that it’s been awhile since I’ve called one of my friends to check on them. I’m sure they’re upset that I haven’t gotten in touch with them. It’s just so hard to call and talk to anybody any more. What am I supposed to talk about? Everything that I used to talk about either no longer exists or has gone from good to bad. I don’t want to call people just to complain about my life. People have their own troubles, they don’t need to hear about mine. I realize I haven’t spoken to my dad in a while. I used to love to talk to him on my way home from work. I always had something exciting to share. I rarely call him now. What am I supposed to talk to him about? My botched up hysterectomy body? How much I cried today? Maybe I can bitch to him about how fat I am. Uugggg.
Now I’m sitting on the couch with my husband, having a discussion, or watching some television, and he’s flirting with me maybe telling me how beautiful I am and all I can do is feel disgusting and remember the way it used to be. All I can think about now is he must be so grossed out when he sees me walking around in my PJs. Maybe he tries to get frisky with me and wants me to sit on his lap. All I can think about is oh my God if I sent on his lap he is going to know how grossly big I am. My butt is bigger than his lap, how disgusting. I can hope that if I stay over here on my kitchen on the couch with his big blanket wrapped around me maybe it won’t remind him that’s how gross I look.
When it’s time for bed, I go to bed, my husband falls asleep almost immediately. And more often than not, I will lay here for a few hours replaying all of those thoughts that I had during the day through my mind again. This is a typical day for me. Some days this and more, some days a little less. The thoughts come in and out so fast and make a constant loop.
The mind of someone who is ADHD, with chronic heightened anxiety and depression is a busy place. Remember everyone has demons of some sort. Perhaps that “quirky” person who gets on your nerves is suffering inside and isn’t even aware of their “quirks”. Be accepting, be understanding and if you’re the one who is suffering don’t be afraid to ask for help, and stay strong. I am fortunate to have my amazing husband, 2 loving sons + 1 amazing girlfriend, a wonderful brother and sister, supportive parents, an amazing ex-mother-in-law, a supportive ex-husband, loving friends and the greatest 4 legged fur babies in the world. Find your rock or be their rock. Either way, you’re important to somebody.
#HELPME #EVERYONENEEDSAROCKSOMETIME. #EXHAUSTING #TIME2BELIEVE