The Mental Monster

People that knowingly suffer from mental illness often ask themselves the question “why me?”.   I think everyone deals with some sort of “personality defect” to some extent.  I suppose it’s simply a part of humanity.  Mental illness however can be a serious complication to ones life, and big or small, the ripple effect can carry on and on.  Genetics can cause a predisposition to mental illness. Some are fortunate to recognize the illness in themselves or a loved one, while others are fortunate not to recognize in themselves or a loved one. Either way, it’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of as it goes wherever it pleases with no regard to strength or weakness and needs no permission. It can be a part of you at birth or join you later in life for countless reasons. It can hide, ly dormant almost within a person for an undetermined amount of time until it decides its time to show its ugly little head.

I’ve known my mother is mentally ill since I was old enough to understand what it meant. Not long after that I understood that because of genetics, the possibility of me suffering from some sort of mental illness at some point in my life was a realistic possibility. I’ve worked very hard since I was a teenager to pay attention to my mental state because I knew there was a good chance of it being passed on and I wanted to keep it at bay the best I could fir as long as possible if not for forever. I taught myself how to get organized and how to stay organized. As soon as I was on my own, I worked hard at keeping my house neat, tidy and clean. I always made my bed every day and I kept up on my laundry. I was never told I had ADHD growing up, but I knew I was different. My psychologist has offered up a few thoughts on what, why and how I developed my mental condition. My chronic anxiety for example as is something I have also dealt with most of my life, likely due to happenings during my childhood. I was never depressed before these past 2 years and I worked hard not to allow myself to be. I remember my mother being depressed most of the time, in fact she is still. Sadly most of my memories are of her being depressed or angry. She was always miserable, and I in no way wanted my life to be that way. More importantly, now that depression currently wants the best of me, I work hard daily to be sure the effect it has on my son and husband here at home with me is as minimal as possible if any at all.

That I think is the key. To be aware of what is happening to you. To acknowledge its exsistance, to embrace it almost, in order for you to control it. And if you cant control it completely, it doesn’t mean you are weak, it only means that for the moment the monster is stronger than you which is why you need to allow your loved ones, your willing fellow warriors, to help you fight the battle and win the war against whatever mental monster tries to consume you. No one should have to face the monster alone. The first steps towards your victory are to recognize, acknowledge, and act honestly. The key begins with loving yourself as you are and believing in your worth. Keep in mind that taking advantage of your mental illness in order to pretend, manipulate, lie or cheat is not part of the good journey. And the good journey, is where we all desire to be.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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