It’s Hard To Have Fun

My husband is taking me on a vacation! EEEEK!! and OMG I’M SCARED!!

Hear me when I tell you that I AM excited. He is taking me somewhere I’ve never been before. He has taken me on long distance trips in the 9 years we’ve been together, but they were quick trips to see my son play college football and our 4 day honeymoon. But THIS is going to be for 8 days. Time away, a well deserved break, is long over due for both of us. However there are several scary aspects of a vacation for me.

1. I have to leave my son, as he chose not to come with us.

2. I have to leave my puppies. My puppies are my “ways to calm me”.

3. I have to leave the safety of my home.

4. I have to do something outside my safety zone. Something not in my regular schedule.

5. My biggest fear…what if something is not the same when I get home?

People with Heightened Anxiety, people with any Obsessive Disorder, people with Depression, people with CPTSD (and undoubtedly more conditions beyond me)…doing anything outside our comfort zone is a BIG deal. I’m scared to face people, especially people in a new place. I’m scared I won’t find places to accommodate my allergies or my bodies medical troubles. I’m scared that one of my ailments will take away from the fun my husband deserves to have. I’m scared of the thousands of things that could go wrong when you travel.

How does a person go from being strong, independent, want to see the world, to I’m best at home ? T I suppose it’s no different than…how does a person go from being 100% healthy to you have 3 weeks to live in the blink of an eye. The brain is an amazing organ, our mind with endless possibilities, the easiest explanation for me is, “WHO KNOWS”. Whether good or not so good, IT IS WHAT IT IS. Years ago had you told me I would be this way, I would have thought you were crazy. (No pun intended) 🙂

I find myself remembering the good old days. The days when I wasn’t afraid of anything except snakes. (They’ve scared the shit out me my entire life) I confronted people when called for, I was known for my persistence and lack of backing down. I didn’t wait or expect anyone to take care of me in any manner, I was proud to be Miss Independent.

But now I’m weak, the weakest…if it weren’t for my husband, I would be gone by now, or at minimum I would be physically lost. Every day necessary, he reminds me of the strength I once had and tells me that I am still that girl with that strength, I just need to find it within me again.

I need to continue to look closely, examine and identify the contributors to my mental disaster. It isn’t until I am able to face each one head on, defeat these inner demons that have taken over my mental being, that I will be able to find the answers I need within, to overcome my anxiety, my depression, my miserable self worth. You can do it to. We can work on it together. We can support each other, listen to each other, hold each other, help each other survive. We’ve got this, we have to. We cannot allow the mental monster to win. We can survive. We will survive.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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