Here I Sit

Here I sit waiting for my monthly autoimmune blood draw, thinking about the upcoming vacation. My husband’s parents are not far from there, and he has invited them to join us for an afternoon. OMG. They are going to be shocked when they see me 80 bigger then when they saw me last. OMG. What if I can’t stop crying that day? OMG. What if my anxiety is through the roof and my hands are shaking like a leave?

Uuuggggg.

Why is it so damn hard to enjoy life now? I was such a “liver” before. I miss my boys and I am angry with them all at the same time. Someones lies causing their decision of estrangement did this to me. 😦 Sure, the genetics were there, but it was all hidden behind a wall back in the corner.

Is it healthy for me to blame this situation? Is it healthy for me to obsess over it? I’m guessing the answer is no. It may be ok for me to recognize the spark that started this fire, but then I’m supposed to build my bridge, keep it safe in box in my mind, but accept that there’s nothing I can do about it and live my life. Whew! That’s so damn hard to do. It’s interesting to me that I hate not having control of my emotions, but I have been giving control of all physical and tangible parts of my life to my husband, WILLINGLY, and at my request. I’ve NEVER willingly or unwillingly given that up to ANYONE. However, ironically enough, when I really think about it, it’s my decision to give it up, therefore still hanging on to some kind of control. On the other hand, I have felt for a long time overwhelmed and longed for someone else to “be in charge”. For the first time. I feel safe enough in all realms with him to allow him to take the lead. (I should add, he’s a great leader).

Think about what you want, think about what you need for your biggest mental hurdle. First, you will need to discover WHY you have this giant hurdle and WHEN you allowed it to keep you from living. Once you recognize and accept the why and the when, you will be able to slowly dismantle that hurdle. Some pieces will be easier than others. You may need to use several different tools, and you may need to ask for help,but you are strong and you can do it.

Don’t allow those hurdles whether big or small, stand in your way. You may be able to go over or around it, but it will still be there when you are to tired to do so, therefore dismantling is the healthier option. You got this. We got this. It’s our race of life to run at our own speed. We can do it.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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