That Ugly Four Letter Word

I am not a first. I am not his first. Hell I’m not even in his first ten or twenty but I am his last, or at least that’s the plan ie my hope. A sensitive subject for many people, especially sensitive for low self-worth people, is their spouse or significant others past. Let me rephrase that…

It is always hard for me to be reminded of my husbands “active” past filled with countless sexual encounters and/or relationships with countless women. It’s ironic that at this point of my life, I wish I was one of the girls that was lucky to fall in love, lose her virginity and marry her first love, and I his. I wouldn’t have to cope with the ugly feelings of worrying if I measure up to “all of them”, or even “most of them”. It’s true nor is he my first. Which is why we make it a priority to keep track of all of our “firsts” together and to make them all special no matter how big or small. But regardless of how strong our relationship is, I hate feeling like I’m “less than” all of the others. In fact, I have this huge need to feel like I’m the special one. To feel like EVERYTHING about me, our relationship, our love, our marriage, our sex, EVERYTHING is not only different but BETTER than all of those before me.

Not only were we friends for years before we dated (so I witnessed much of his dating endeavours first hand), but after we were together people would constantly bring up stories about his past that no girl wants to hear about her man.  It got to the point that it was hard to want to go out on weekends because we couldn’t go anywhere without someone bringing up some inappropriate story of his carousing days and I was tired of hearing about it.

I’m going to get personal here, but hey, I’ve told you private and humiliating things including health facts of my nether regions so I guess the line has already been crossed. 😉

One of the most personal and beautiful stories I hold very dear about my husband and I is our first “morning after” conversation. I replay that conversation in my mind often and it still gives me a big cheesey smile and the shivers. I told him that I felt different than I had ever felt. That “it” felt different than anything I had ever experienced and he claimed the same. He told me he thought it was different because we had been friends for so long. That we knew each other so well, our hearts were drawn to each other before we even knew it. He said it was the first time he knew a girl and built a meaningful friendship with her before he dated her and then went any further. I remember him saying that it was obvious we were meant to be. 

Either he was one hell of a smooth talker and I got played big by THE “player”, or I really did find my soulmate. Here we are happily married all these years later, I think it’s safe to assume the soulmate theory. (No doubt he was also a smooth talker-ha)

Before I agreed to go out with him, there was a lot of discussion between us about his past, all the women in it and how I wasn’t impressed in the least. I made it very clear I was not interested in being a “notch on the bed pole girl”. So when the time came that we reached that point in our relationship, to hear such beautiful words come out his mouth made me feel like I was in a fairytale, perhaps his first fairytale as well.  Which is why I loved it so much when he started to reference me as his princess. 

Here I am, almost 10 years later, his wife of 6 years (his longest relationship by a landslide), and I STILL can’t help but be jealous of and despise the women in his past. So tonight when he made a comment during an innocent conversation that made me feel like our “first night together” was no different than any of his other “flings”….I was crushed, floored, felt like I was slugged in the gut with a bat. He didn’t intentionally try to hurt my feelings, and who knows, maybe it was just how it came out. I don’t even remember what we were talking about or how it happened exactly. But he used that nasty F word while referencing our first night together and my heart sunk. All I can do now is sit here and wonder. “Did I get played? Did he say those beautiful words to other girls?” We are married, I am his wife, I know he loves me more than life without question and that was years ago….but still….ouch….

So what would my psychologist Dr. Nancy tell me? She would most likely first ask me how it made me feel. We would then talk about why using the 4 letter F word in reference to he and I bothers me so much and we would discuss my opinions and thoughts of the different terms used for fornicating. Then she would probably remind me that we are happily married and that men are often thoughtless when it comes to these things. Of course she would finish by advising me to talk to my hubby about it and explain to him why it bothers me and that I would really appreciate it if he could use more delicate terms.  I’m not offended by the 4 letter F word, as a matter of fact I cuss like a sailor.  But that’s the difference, to me it’s a cuss word, an ugly word, a dirty word, not something he and I have done.  There is and never has been anything ugly or dirty about us or what we’ve done.    Understand what I’m saying? 

But for now, I’m going to stay where I’m at because if I go to bed (he’s there now), I won’t be able to sleep anyway and I’ll be more tempted to want to talk about it.  Obviously talking about it at 2:00am isn’t a great idea, so the couch is the best place for me.  And honestly, even if he didn’t try to hurt my feelings, it should be no surprise to him that I hate that term being used to reference us in that way and the comment hurt me.  Worse, I doubt he has any idea that I will be awake all night wondering if he played me that morning so many years ago with some speech heard by many before me.  

So many hurdles to get over. *Don’t allow yourself to waste your valuable time being jealous. *Don’t allow yourself to waste your valuable time to worry and to wonder. *Allow yourself to live free of the what if. *Leave the past in the past, both yours and his, you can’t go forward if you’re always looking behind you. *Believe in yourself, believe in him, believe in your being together – you found each other, you enjoyed each other, you wanted each other, you chose each other. *Always choose happiness. *Be honest and be open. *Be thoughtful and be sincere. *Don’t forget what matters or who matters. *Forgive and ask for forgiveness. *Understand and ask to be understood. *Give respect and demand respect. *Allow them to love you and put your whole heart into loving them back. *Start today so you don’t miss your chance, you never know when tomorrow won’t come.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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