I have learned I can love from a distance. Tomorrow it will officially be 1 year since I’ve seen or heard my sons voice. He’s not dead, he’s not in a coma, he’s not in another part of the world. He’s right here in the same city living 3.3 miles away from me, but he wants nothing to do with me or his little brother. He has text me three times over this past year. Once to tell me how worthless I was, once to tell me he loved us and followed by telling me his little brother is a prick and I’m delusional. And yesterday he text me to tell me to “stay safe because bad things are coming quickly”, and that he loves me. (He’s completely bought into a cultish conspiracy theory) My first inclination was to ask how he is and discuss the current events. However I stopped myself knowing I can’t let this situation disintegrate all of the hard work I’ve done in order to become an emotionally strong and mentally healthy woman. So I replied with “I love you” and later, a quick note saying if he ever feels unsafe, our home will be open to him. No discussion, no door opening to word lashing or gaslighting. It’s almost ironic how I’ve been working on loving from a distance and now we are learning social distancing.
What is COVID19 going to bring for us all? It’s already brought sickness, fear, panick, doubt, economic disarray to mention just a few. Yes it’s new, yes it’s unchartered territory for us all. Like so many others,I have to file for unemployment due to my office closing for a few weeks for the safety of our staff, families and patients. And as I sit here with a lot of time to think, I wonder if I should be contacting “the distant” ones just in case something bad happens in or to our family. But I come to my senses and realize that even if my presence or invitation was welcomed, there would be no fix and the gaslighting and abuse would quickly pick up right where it left off and cause another round of hurt not only to us, but to our two innocent grandchildren and I in no way am letting them go through more unnecessary BS. So I hold the dear ones close to my heart, remember them in my prayers, and stay the course.
This quiet quarantine time will be a good time to catch up on things at home, do some binge movie watching, call some old friends to catch up, and best of all time to meditate, reconnect with ourselves collect our thoughts and prepare ourselves for the new normal.
This is a strenuous time for us all, and for those like myself who suffer from chronic heightened anxiety this situation is a definite test of our coping skills. Practice your mindfulness. Give yourself a break and trust that everything will work itself out, doesn’t it always if we let it? Believe in goodness, believe in technology, believe in a higher power. Don’t make rash decisions that you will most likely regret in your not so distant future.
Surround yourself with the aura of love, health and peace. If you want to be helpful, help yourself first, help your family, then help others however you can as long as you are doing it all in a safe manner.
Be well my friends, be well.