Years ago, if you knew me, you never would have thought you would hear me “being quiet”. The virus has definitely changed a lot of things, one of which for me is time at home. Not time at home of my choosing, but time at home due to self quarantine per my employment. I have been dealing with tedious things around the house that suck time from your life so you never have enough time to deal with, but need to get done. Along with keeping my son on track with remote schooling and other necessary life changes.
One big happening has been my oldest reaching out again. I made the decision this time to open the window and unlock the door. I reminded him that when there is trouble, I will always be his mom and that I love him. But that’s where I stopped. I am keeping the boundary and I admit I am quite proud. A year ago I would have begged and pleaded for him to come home. Rather this time, I have answered his questions briefly and directly. What I have observed in his texts and social media posts, I strongly suspect a controlled substance presence. This is no surprise, it’s been a suspicion for a couple years now but my newfound accepting of my placing boundaries makes it easier to see with a clearer view. Therefore reminding myself and our household how important it is to communicate, keep the house locked and hold on to our home boundaries with firm hands. I never thought I would have to prepare myself or any of my sons how to deal with and/or protect ourselves from the possibilities that come with having an addict in the family. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him, but it does mean I am capable of recognizing, acknowledging and being proactive. Definitely need some quiet time to refocus on what’s necessary in order to keep these new healthy boundaries.
Still no word from my grandsons family, but I’m not surprised. Some days are still harder than others, I suspect that will never change. I continue to pray that in my grandchildren’s hearts they remember me, they remember us, and that one day they will know the truth.
My youngest son made a giant step towards adulthood. He has saved up enough money to buy a used pickup truck and paid it in full. He continues to amaze me every day. Sadly, he then took another step towards realizing adult problems and responsibility. 2 weeks after buying it, he was in an accident and it was totaled. Thankfully no one was injured, but he lost his first big bust his ass purchase, the pickup he saved and searched for, for over a year. I cried more than he did. A mothers heart breaks for her children at all ages, for so many reasons. And then I have my #3. He is an independant 22 year old living his life with his girl, working hard, keeping in touch with his family not causing any kind of drama and always being a loving, available big brother and nothing less than loyalty and respect for our, for his family unit. Being a mother is a blessing and a sacrifice, and I am honored to carry both the privilege and the burden. Again, more quiet time needed, imperative actually, in order for me to stay strong for my youngest and to be available for both he and his brother because even when our children seem to “have it all figured out”, they still look to their mother for that nod of approval, for that hug, that smile, that wink.
So even though I’ve been busy, it’s been what I consider mostly quiet. I haven’t answered a lot of phone calls, I haven’t replied to a lot of texts. I’m taking advantage of this time and surrounding myself with quiet. I have finally started to appreciate quiet, to hear quiet, recognize quiet, and even enjoy quiet. I never would have guessed. LOL. Quiet gives my mind time to process, then time to clear, which then allows my muscles to relax, and finally all of my senses the chance to “sense” if you will.
A family member was here a couple weeks ago and couldn’t function without watching TV. The only conversation she could fully take part in, was when she would tell me about all of the different TV shows she watches suggesting several to me. She even gave up a comfortable bed to sleep in to sleep on the floor in the room with the TV because it was so important to her that she watch TV. It’s as if her world revolves around the noise, the chaos, perhaps even the illusions that television shows create for us. It gives me a huge sense of relief that I am finally able to appreciate quiet time, require it even. Quiet time aka self time is important and necessary for all of us. After all, you are the only one that has to deal with you 100% of the time. And if you can’t deal with you, or you don’t want to be with you, how can you expect anyone else to? So take quiet time for yourself, do it for you, do it for your relationship with others, do it for your sanity. You deserve it now. Don’t wait for tomorrow, because tomorrow may be too late.