Breath taking

I couldn’t catch my breath. The initial excitement and shock-n-aw was over and there I stood in the kitchen with supper cooking on the stove, tears streaming down my face so hard I couldn’t see. My heart pounding, my hands shaking, gasping for breath as I cry so hard my body forgets to breath. My legs are shaking, my stomach is churning, it feels like someone is squeezing my chest and I’m sure to pass out at any moment. My husband comes to my rescue, wraps his arms around me saying “I know, I’m sorry, I love you”.

Today another loving grandmother who is also being cheated of her time with her grandchildren, sent me a new photo of my grandson that she was able to get into her possession.

He’s gotten so big. He’s no longer a toddler, he’s a young boy. He looks so different, I strain to remember what his voice sounds like without listening to the videos of our last Gamma-Bubba day, then cry harder realizing I can hardly remember and not sure it matters because he surely sounds different now.

It took me by surprise, caught me off guard. I haven’t heard or seen anything about my grandchildren in so long. I’m ever so thankful someone cares enough to share any information with me. I’m ever so thankful I have someone in my life that truely understands this pain. I hate that we both suffer, but thank God we have each other to go through it together. Others try to say they understand, but there is no way you can even imagine unless you’ve walked in these shoes.

I wonder if they remember us anymore. I wonder what they’ve told them about us. I wonder how many of my family have seen them or talked to them without letting me know thinking they are going to “spare” me. I can’t say what hurts more, knowing or not knowing.

Tonight I sit here holding our little dinosaurs, remembering our last days together more than one year ago. I try not to be hateful, I am a good person and I think I’m a good loving mother even when it’s hard. But the truth is, this time it’s too damn hard. I still despise him, my son. My blood boils just thinking about his smug attitude and his equally appalling wife. I’m sorry if that makes me a horrible human and an even worse mother. But I can’t help how I feel. I thought I knew hurt before this fiasco started, but there is nothing I have ever dealt with that even remotely compares to this.

I caught my breath again. I am so thankful for this photo, however I may wait a bit to look at it again. I need to regroup and gather my bearings. I will not allow these selfish cruel people to steal any more of my life. I will look at my Bubbas photo again soon, and at that moment I will smile at what a handsome little devil he is. But for now, I know I have it, I’m ever so thankful for it and I can breath.

Thank you Grandma of the Estranged Sisterhood, you know who you are. Thank you for including me, for remembering me and for offering your hand. It will forever be remembered and returned when and if possible.

Nothing good comes from stealing time from others or cheating time from yourself. Hold on to each moment, as all moments are precious. We don’t always realize it util it’s too late. Savor each moment you have with the ones you love, because you never know which moment may be the last.

Published by Dazedmother

I'm a middle aged working woman. I have raised four boys of which my baby is 17. Motherhood began at age 17 for me. For 30 years every choice I've made was as a mother. This past year, two of my sons have decided life is better without me. I'm a mom, a grandma, a wife that was divorced and now remarried. Here I am, still trying to figure out this thing called life.

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