To Be Clear

I use my blog as my outlet. Yes I know it is in writing and yes I know it’s here to stay. It’s like a tattoo. I get tattoos representing my life and or feelings that day. I wouldn’t erase a tattoo when that part of my life is over, because it is a reminder for me of how I felt or what I saw. General public will see my tattoo and they will think about it at that moment and 5 minutes later they will be thinking about something else.

When I starting a blog was suggested to me, all possibilities were discussed including people getting hurt feelings if they read it. I’m sorry that happens, but I’m not sorry for how I feel or how I perceive things. For people that don’t know, a blog is someones journaling, and you don’t have to like it, agree with it or even read it. Know that whatever you read is someones feelings and perceptions and have an open mind. If it was factual news it would be in a newspaper.

That’s it. Happy Blogging.

First Encounter

Well back to the past that forever changed who I am today. This weekend is my nieces graduation. Our entire family came to show support by having a family gathering. My sister did not invite my estranged son, his wife or my grandson. I’m guessing she didn’t because she doesn’t agree with what they’ve done or how they are treating family. But they came because my estranged sister (estranged herself from me to be the hero to my kid – & she always has liked doing the opposite of everyone else). It’s funny, I haven’t heard from her in a year, and a few days ago I got a random out of nowhere text from her saying she loves me. I wondered then what BS might be coming my way. And sure enough, here we are.

Seeing my grandson come into the same building as me and not be able to hug him and hold him in my arms… I assure you it took some strong meds to help me handle this day.
Yesterday I was standing away from anyone else by the door hanging balloons for the celebration. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my grandson come running towards me. My heart was jumping I squatted down thinking he might be running to me. He ran right past me. Someone walked in the doorway, it was someone from my estranged sisters family, maybe even her, I honestly don’t remember but I didn’t see them. My heart broke all over again. I probably looked like an idiot. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears, so I went into the bathroom until I knew I could look strong. I sit here this morning, preparing for another day of my living nightmare, another day of being reminded that my only grandchild by birth has no idea who I am and no one will tell him. This weekend because they don’t want to ruin my nieces weekend by causing a scene (and rightfully so, it’s why I am able to ignore their shitty game) and they just don’t want to get involved on this level ever. (typical for my family, never rock the boat even if you know it needs to be done) I will spend this day as I did yesterday. Focusing on my niece and her celebration. I admit however, I was so excited about this weekend, but I’m ready to come home. I feel like I’ve been stripped of my dignity by part of my family. I can’t help but wonder, as a mother, how do you support someone treating their own mother like a piece of shit? You must be terribly full of yourself, delusional even to think karma won’t remember your actions. Today, I am reminded more than ever before that even though I tried to do everything right to keep it from happening, genetics won and one of my sons is an exact replica of his worthless, lying, loathing, selfish prick of a birth dad.

Never underestimate the power of peoples “God complex”. Sadly, even your own family can decide to discard you and your feelings in order to feel important themselves.

To My Dearest Love

From day one to today so much about me and my life has changed.  I’m no longer as independant, or as much the “me against world” girl that I used to be.  I am more fragile, I am uncertain, it’s no secret that I have become an emotional/mental mess much of the time.  I want you to know, it’s important to me that you know, something that has stayed the same is me loving you. You are always being strong for both of us and it started on the Bakken before we even knew.  You were there for your purpose and I was there for mine, but when the chips fell, you chose to take care of both of us and you haven’t stopped since.  I love how you tend me and my needs.  It’s the first time in my life anyone has made me feel like a princess.  You have spoiled me in a way I never thought I would experience or that I deserved.   I never imagined someone would love me like you do, much less would make me that promise and follow it through.  Thank you.  Thank you for every day from the first one till now. We come from two different worlds but we desire the same things: Love, Loyalty, Respect & Honesty.  It hasn’t been easy, our time together, but we continue to make it through.  We have already weathered several bigger storms in our short time together than couples who have had a lifetime.  It’s important I tell you, and for you to believe, that you can have weak days too.  No one can be the strongest, the sole burden carrier, the protector every moment of every day.  We need each other, we are a team, we are Mr. & Mrs.  Even though you hold me up, it doesn’t mean I can’t hold you up too.  You are allowed your time to “let it all out”, I can be strong for you.  I realize at times it may seem like I’m no longer capable, but we are living this life together so not only do I need you to be strong for me, I need you to know that I can and will be strong for you.  We are STRONGER TOGETHER. Along with our future happiness, we will surely face more hard times, difficult situations, tough decisions and more sadness together. But I know without any doubt that together we can make it through.  Just as you’ve “got me”, I’ve “got you”.  I love you dear husband.  I love you.  

Breath taking

I couldn’t catch my breath. The initial excitement and shock-n-aw was over and there I stood in the kitchen with supper cooking on the stove, tears streaming down my face so hard I couldn’t see. My heart pounding, my hands shaking, gasping for breath as I cry so hard my body forgets to breath. My legs are shaking, my stomach is churning, it feels like someone is squeezing my chest and I’m sure to pass out at any moment. My husband comes to my rescue, wraps his arms around me saying “I know, I’m sorry, I love you”.

Today another loving grandmother who is also being cheated of her time with her grandchildren, sent me a new photo of my grandson that she was able to get into her possession.

He’s gotten so big. He’s no longer a toddler, he’s a young boy. He looks so different, I strain to remember what his voice sounds like without listening to the videos of our last Gamma-Bubba day, then cry harder realizing I can hardly remember and not sure it matters because he surely sounds different now.

It took me by surprise, caught me off guard. I haven’t heard or seen anything about my grandchildren in so long. I’m ever so thankful someone cares enough to share any information with me. I’m ever so thankful I have someone in my life that truely understands this pain. I hate that we both suffer, but thank God we have each other to go through it together. Others try to say they understand, but there is no way you can even imagine unless you’ve walked in these shoes.

I wonder if they remember us anymore. I wonder what they’ve told them about us. I wonder how many of my family have seen them or talked to them without letting me know thinking they are going to “spare” me. I can’t say what hurts more, knowing or not knowing.

Tonight I sit here holding our little dinosaurs, remembering our last days together more than one year ago. I try not to be hateful, I am a good person and I think I’m a good loving mother even when it’s hard. But the truth is, this time it’s too damn hard. I still despise him, my son. My blood boils just thinking about his smug attitude and his equally appalling wife. I’m sorry if that makes me a horrible human and an even worse mother. But I can’t help how I feel. I thought I knew hurt before this fiasco started, but there is nothing I have ever dealt with that even remotely compares to this.

I caught my breath again. I am so thankful for this photo, however I may wait a bit to look at it again. I need to regroup and gather my bearings. I will not allow these selfish cruel people to steal any more of my life. I will look at my Bubbas photo again soon, and at that moment I will smile at what a handsome little devil he is. But for now, I know I have it, I’m ever so thankful for it and I can breath.

Thank you Grandma of the Estranged Sisterhood, you know who you are. Thank you for including me, for remembering me and for offering your hand. It will forever be remembered and returned when and if possible.

Nothing good comes from stealing time from others or cheating time from yourself. Hold on to each moment, as all moments are precious. We don’t always realize it util it’s too late. Savor each moment you have with the ones you love, because you never know which moment may be the last.

Validate

There’s that word again.  Why do we think we need to be validated?  Speaking from the viewpoint of a self loather the need for others to validate not so much me, but my ideas is much greater than it should be. In fact, some days it makes the difference between a good day or a bad day. But make no mistake, validating me and humoring me are two complete different things and I know the difference.

I find that there are times when I want to make certain that someone knows I hear their need or I understand what they are saying, I will actually use the words, “I am validating your feeling of….” Now there are two reasons behind that.

*1. I want them to know without any uncertainty. *2. I understand the feeling of that need or even simply understand the feeling of relief when you know someone has validated your feelings and I want to give that gift.

Yes, I think giving someone that “validation” is a beautiful gift. Even if people say they don’t NEED others to validate their feelings or ideas, they are lying if they say they don’t like it or that it doesn’t make them feel good. That’s like saying it doesn’t make you feel good when someone compliments how you look on one of the days you made a special effort.

Some people will reply to this with “you dont need others to validate anything”, but we will touch on that mentality later.

As a whole, we have become people that are so worried about being right, so certain that everyone is trying to screw us with the I’m going to “screw them first” mentality that compassion and simply BEING NICE has fallen to the wayside. Maybe we shouldn’t feel the need for validation, but we do. I suggest then that instead of teaching every person to not worry about what others think, maybe we should spend more time teaching compassion and BEING NICE.

There’s another concept, maybe humanity has gotten so rude and selfless because instead of teaching manors and respect for others, we started teaching “don’t worry about what others think” “take of yourself, if you don’t no one else will”. True, we do need to take care of ourselves, but I wonder if when that became the great advice, is the same time rude and selfless started to get out of hand. Hmmm, something to think about.

I’m going to investigate this a bit further. Follow me. Years ago you rarely heard of children disrespecting their elders. In fact we were taught to show our elders the utmost respect. To this day I generally have a certain “they are above me” mentality about for elders, whether I know them or not. I tried to teach my own children that as a rule to live by, but society as a whole teaches the “Its all about me” mentality that it may not matter what mom or dad teaches.

Ha, perhaps this is a horrible comparison, but maybe it’s like, at the animal shelter they ask you to consider the older animals because the younger ones will have so many more opportunites. Just another thought zipping through my never quiet ADHD brain.

When I have shared my “BEING NICE” to everyone concept it saddens me to say, even some people of my generation replied with, “Fuck that. Who gives a shit what other people think”, “Why? Everyone else is mean and shitty, why be nice, no one else is”, and I won’t forget “oh, you’re one of those everyone gets a ribbon people”.

First off, NO I do not think EVERYONE should get a ribbon. For the record, I’m all about competition and rewarding the win. A pat on the back accomanied with a “maybe you’ll get it next time” is what the others get. That’s what creates drive and ambition, but there’s another days blog.

In a giant nutshell, I challenge you to specifically validate someones idea or their maybe your spouses feelings during a disagreement. And bigger yet, I challenge to you to go the extra step and nicely let them know you that you are or do. In general, practice compassion and BEING NICE to others, to everyone, if you all do this, imagine how many peoples day or life even you could change, including your own. How do you want to be remembered? What imprint do you want to leave in this world when your gone? Don’t wait for tomorrow, because you never know when your, or their tomorrow won’t come.

I’m Alive Validate Me

I haven’t posted in a while. Funny I thought being home more would mean I would write so much more. Instead, I have found myself catching up on all the things I have neglected the past 2 years because of my depression. I have painted, planted flowers, started walking 5 to 10 miles a day every day, cooking, baking, rearranging rooms, and sewing. I have not sat still for one day. It’s hard to believe a year ago I wanted to end my life. I have come a long way over the past year. I’m not where I want to be yet, I want to be med free again, but for now I will gladly continue to take the help so that I can continue to move forward.

Part of winning the fight, succeeding in this life, your survival even, is knowing and admitting when you are in over your head and when you need help. I almost lost my fight because I let my pride get in my way. I’ve always been the strong one, I surely wasn’t going to admit I needed help. But my pride almost cost me my life.

The lesson I hope people can take from this is there is no shame in weakness. We get knocked down, it happens to everyone at some level at one point or another. And SOMETIMES, there is a “perfect storm” of shitty circumstances and it’s simply too much. This is when the strength is in us validating our weekness and asking for help.

Validating. Validation. To validate. Theres a good conversation.  It is such a strong word with a strong meaning and even stronger circumstances and outcomes.  Validating or lack of can make or break friendships, relationships, or more sadly yet, one self.  If you listen closely to an arguement you will most likely hear the need for validation more than the need to be agreed with or the need to be right.  For example the arguement now is the mask.  When does the rule wearing it or not and who should or shouldn’t  infringe on our rights.  No one is going to win this arguement. There is no cut and dry black and white answer. It’s a “gray area” topic and a “gray area” topic is just that because it’s so circumstantial that one rule can’t or doesn’t apply everywhere all the time to everybody. That’s what makes it such a touchy subject because even though everyones opinion is extremely strong, and regardless of if you can honestly admit it or not, both sides of the arguement have very valid points and there isn’t an easy answer. The reason then that people get pissier and louder when arguing this point may not be because they feel they have to be right, but because they feel their point of view needs to be validated.

Imagine you are arguing your “side” of any “gray area” topic and the discussion gets more heated as you go on. Now ask yourself, what’s really important to you, being right or your opinion getting validated. Does the opposing view needs to suddenly stop and drop their perspective and say “yes you are right” (ok thats always nice to hear, but hear me our) Or…would you feel better if the opposer simply said “I still dont agree with you but you bring up several good points”.

If they said that to you. Would you continue to be argumentative? No I doubt it. You would most likely stop, maybe even be shocked, but now what’s left to argue about? Turn the situation around and the same applies. It’s tough to argue with someone when the point has been made that you both make a valid arguement and will agree to disagree. AND THAT LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IS WHY THE PEOPLE MAKING THE RULES OR LAWS ARE CONSTANTLY BICKERING, BECAUSE IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO AGREE ON A “GRAY AREA” TOPIC AND THERE ARE MANY.

We can all easily agree that red means stop. Therefore that is not a “gray area” topic.  That’s black and white, easy to understand, easy to explain.  If a man kills a man by shooting him in cold blood, thats black and white. Everyone easily agrees it was wrong and the killer should be punished.  The “gray area” is what should the punishment be?

So does that mean then that when someone dies because of the action of another whether purposeful or not, someone needs to be punished and the punishment should always be the same? Aahhhhh, “gray area”.

The COVID situation, wear masks yes or no, who should and where should they is not easy because there’s nothing black and white about this new crisis.  There are so many different opinions, different situations, so many unknowns, I think we can all agree nothing about COVID at this point is certain. That is why I say the situations about COVID that people are arguing and/or disagreeing about is nit only a “gray area” but a scary “gray area”.

Now there are some people that will argue just for the sake of arguement that there is no such a thing as a “gray area”. My answer to those is, “Ignorance is bliss”. Therefore I believe that people get overly argumentative when there is no black and white to try to drive home their interpretation and no one wants to be wrong. Hence if we all do our best to validate others opinions and/or feelings we will all be able to acknowledge each others views by validating their right to their view without argueing anout who’s right. The end result being less fighting, less smack talking and more compassion and understanding.

Yes this is my opinion, yes I know I am just me and many, maybe even most, won’t agree with me. But this is how my mind works and by sharing perhaps I can reach someone and make a difference for somebody. Worst case, I give you a good read to laugh at. 🙂

Next time a discussion starts to get heated because of different points of view, I challenge you to acknowledge the other persons opinion and validate for them their right to feel that way instead if arguing with them about who’s right and why. I believe you will pleasantly find that it brings the discussion to a new level and a new respect will be present. It always comes back to compassion, and more of that is what this world needs.

The Corona Fear

Are you scared? Even just a little? Are you uncertain? Does all of this feel surreal?

I am. I am scared. I am uncertain. To be quite blunt this feels extremely surreal to me and I am scared A.F. I try to stay informed with the facts and try to steer clear of all the opinions. I suffer from multiple anxiety disorders and COVID-19 and quarantine ARE NOT helping matters. There are so many concerns for everyones mental health during this time of crisis among all of the other obvious worries. Here is my current story…

Besides my normal insomnia, sleep is now even more difficult to achieve than normal.  In the past month I have stayed awake for up to 40 hours several times, generally followed by 4 or 5 hours of sleep only to restart the cycle.  My headaches are back from sore jaw and neck muscles caused by the constant gritting of my teeth.  My tinnitus is back in full force 100% of the time, I’m on edge, forgetful, can’t sit still and my OCD has taken over my brain once again.  Everywhere I look, everything I watch, everything I hear….scares me.  I have recurring images of me or a loved one falling ill and never seeing them again.  Worse, I look at the calendar only to be reminded that it’s been a year since I’ve seen 2 of my 4 sons and my grandchildren…knowing that if I get the virus the possibility of never seeing them again increases greatly, and both of those possibilities are paralyzing.

Having conversations with people has gotten to be nearly impossible. Somehow, the pandemic will enter the conversation which introduces politics, which leads to strong opinions including conspiracy theories, strong left or strong right. And regardless the theory or which side of the isle they stand, it most certainly will lead to negativity of the strongest kind. I DO NOT WANT TO DISCUSS POLITICS! I understand emotions are high for everyone no matter what side if the isle they stand. I believe everyone, regardless what face they put on, is scared at some level. Let’s face it, there is so much to be frightened of right now. The virus, the economy, the uncertainty of costs and/or availability of goods, the uncertainty of income. And with the concern of losing our income comes more concerns such as losing our health insurance, losing our vehicles, or worse losing our homes. YES, I understand why we are all concerned. I understand we need to know what’s going on in our city, state, country, and the world. But it’s because of all of these worries that I dont want to talk politics. Because no matter what I say, someone will be offended or disagree and because emotions are high it will lead to negativity and honestly, I see so much negativity and/or sadness everywhere right now, the last place I want more of it is in my personal interactions.

Even with all of the scariness going on right now, there are some silver linings. Such as: We are reminded of the little yet ever so important details like how important it is to wash our hands regularly. We are not only teaching, but impressing on our young ones how important it is to “keep your hands to yourself”. Families are spending more time at home together. Since there are not many places to go right now, we are sitting down and eating our meals rather than the all to normal eat and run. Moreover, families are sitting down eating meals together because everyone is home. We are remembering not to be wasteful and perhaps even a little frugal rather than constant overindulgence. We are remembering how to be thankful for the little things. We are slowing down from our daily routines, which gives us time to, as they say, smell the flowers. It’s tough to run through the store and “power shop” when you have to follow the arrows on the floor at the store and maintain 6 feet between ourselves and others in order to practice social distancing. It’s less likely for people to be pushy and rude while practicing social distancing. We are all practicing our patience, and I have witnessed and have been hearing so many stories of people showing much compassion for others during this time of crisis.

Are you scared? Yes. I’m scared to. We can’t change what’s going on, but we can change how we react to it and let it remind us that life is precious. Be thankful every day. Because every day your given, and everything and everyone given to you in a day, is a gift. Be remorseful and ask forgiveness, not only of others, but of yourself as well. Take a moment to reflect and appreciate every blessing both big and small. Be mindful and allow your mindfullness to grow, as it will help you find peace in all of the chaos. Remind yourself not to fear the world or the life you live, but to respect them. And last but not least tell those you love that you love them, not only with words but with your actions.

Make today great, because tomorrow is never promised and you never know when tomorrow won’t come.

Showing Substance

What could possibly justify the act of intentionally embarrassing or humiliating someone? Let’s get more specific, what could possibly justify the act of intentionally embarrassing or humiliating someone you love? I can’t say that I am innocent of committing this act against someone, however I can say with a clear conscience that I haven’t intentionally done this since I was a teenager. So if I have embarrassed or humiliated anyone, whatever I said or whatever “tone” I used, it was not done with any malice.

Sadly, this unjustifiable act is intentionally committed every day by so many people and even more so during this time of crisis. I see it in public, I see it at my office, and I see it within my family as I’m sure many of you do as well. What is the point? Do people really enjoy being pricks? Understanding behavior can help us act accordingly, and know that just because you are understanding a behavior, doesn’t mean you’re approving of it. But understanding gives you your power back in an otherwise uncomfortable situation. Once you understand it, you have the power to act and not react. Some possible reasons for a person to cause emotional suffering intentionally can be:

  1. To take the focus off of themselves
  2. To make themselves feel better when they are feeling insecure about themselves or the situation
  3. To make themselves feel more secure as a person
  4. To establish control by means of mental cruelty”Payback”
  5. To be an asshole because let’s be honest, some people are quite simply put “assholes”

No person with any substance wishes suffering on another being.  Yes, you read that correctly, if you truly wish suffering for any living creature, you lack real substance.  We all have weak moments, moments when we allow anger, sadness, embarrassment, to name a few get the better of us. But once you center yourself and the initial shock has subsided, we should not be hoping for another to suffer.

We also need to recognize the difference between intentional and unintentional actions or behavior. Lets say “Joe” turns the music up extremely loud that it’s blaring because his hearing is horrible. It disturbs the rest of the people in the area, it irritates some, and it hurts someone else’s ears. “Joe” isn’t trying to hurt or annoy anyone, he is simply putting the volume to where he can hear it. Maybe someone even tells “Joe” that it’s too loud, and “Joe” gets upset because he is frustrated and probably embarrassed that his hearing is so bad. Months or even years later, “Joe” gets hearing aides. Now you want to “get him back” and show him how loud it always was and why it pissed you off. So they turn the music on loud so it’s blaring, and when “Joe” is shocked by how loud it is, so now you have humiliated “Joe” by telling him that’s what you’ve been dealing with. Now was that necessary? NO. When “Joe” got his hearing aides, no doubt he heard how much he hasn’t heard and when he sees where the volume button is compared to where he used to have it, he will be embarrassed enough without someone humiliating him more. When “Joe” had the volume up so high he wasn’t intentionally hurting anyone, but when you decided to “get him back”, you were intentionally hurting him. This is a little example, but you get what I’m saying. Some possible reasons for a person to cause emotional suffering unintentionally can be:

  1. Lack of self worth
  2. Not paying attention
  3. Lack of knowledge of human behavioral boundaries
  4. Grew up with emotional suffering being the “norm”
  5. Simply being unaware

I repeat my previous statement-No person with any substance wishes suffering on another being. I remind you when this happens to do your best to understand the person and/or their situation in its entirety. Many times it’s the understanding that diffuses the suffering for all parties involved.

During this time of crisis most likely we will more often find that we are more easily irritated or even irritating. We all need to BE AWARE, RECOGNIZE, and UNDERSTAND so that we may each show our substance and ACT with style rather than react and cause more unnecessary suffering. We are all in this together and we all want and need the same things. Don’t put this off, start this today-because we never know when tomorrow won’t come.

Leave No Unfinished Business

Its 5:30AM Friday morning, In the past week I haven’t slept more than 16 hours total. This is the 3rd time in the past two weeks that I’ve been up the entire night. I can’t sleep. The more sleep I lack, the more places my mind goes. A middle aged woman died from the virus and she was a healthy woman. Because of the pandemic, she didn’t get to say good bye to her school aged children or her husband. Children thought their mom was going for a test, and they never saw her again. If you get sick, you’re going in alone. If your parents, sibling, spouse or children get sick you can’t go with them. Is anyone worried?

My boss called today.  She is great at what she does, but her knowledge outside of her profession is extremely limited.  I spent hours on the phone with her and a coworker trying to explain and researching the CARES package to the best of my ability.  No benefit to me, just trying to help while I quietly keep my anxiety to myself. I spent time online filling out refinance paperwork for our house trying to cut costs as are so many others. And let’s not forget the calls and emails to the insurance company dealing with my sons car accident from last week.

I was doing so good, no anxiety meds for so long. But even with all of my mindfulness exercises, all of my progress and all of my therapy. I’ve decided I’m going to call my psychiatrist office tomorrow. I suspect she will put me on a stronger anti anxiety med and perhaps a sleep aid. Due to the pandemic the clinics are on level 2 which means we can’t go in unless it’s a medical emergency.

I’m scared. My husband has weak lungs because of all of his years of heavy smoking. He gets pneumonia every year that lasts weeks. I’m so afraid he’s going to get the damn virus and…..

We are all under a great amount of stress and unbelievable pressure because of the virus. I’m here this morning to remind you to take care of yourself and your family. There are never guarantees in life, but especially now we all need to be especially aware. Love yourself, tell the ones you love you love them, every day. This is a time of uncertainty for everyone, so make certain the importance of friends of family and self care. Live each day as fully as possible in this pandemic time we are in. Tell the ones you love that you love them every day and don’t go to bed with regrets or unsaid words.

Stay safe, be well, keep loving and use this time to become the person you’ve always wanted to be. Do it today because you never know when tomorrow won’t come and you’re worth it.

Who would of thought….Quiet is Nice

Years ago, if you knew me, you never would have thought you would hear me “being quiet”. The virus has definitely changed a lot of things, one of which for me is time at home. Not time at home of my choosing, but time at home due to self quarantine per my employment. I have been dealing with tedious things around the house that suck time from your life so you never have enough time to deal with, but need to get done. Along with keeping my son on track with remote schooling and other necessary life changes.

One big happening has been my oldest reaching out again. I made the decision this time to open the window and unlock the door. I reminded him that when there is trouble, I will always be his mom and that I love him. But that’s where I stopped. I am keeping the boundary and I admit I am quite proud. A year ago I would have begged and pleaded for him to come home. Rather this time, I have answered his questions briefly and directly. What I have observed in his texts and social media posts, I strongly suspect a controlled substance presence. This is no surprise, it’s been a suspicion for a couple years now but my newfound accepting of my placing boundaries makes it easier to see with a clearer view. Therefore reminding myself and our household how important it is to communicate, keep the house locked and hold on to our home boundaries with firm hands. I never thought I would have to prepare myself or any of my sons how to deal with and/or protect ourselves from the possibilities that come with having an addict in the family. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him, but it does mean I am capable of recognizing, acknowledging and being proactive. Definitely need some quiet time to refocus on what’s necessary in order to keep these new healthy boundaries.

Still no word from my grandsons family, but I’m not surprised. Some days are still harder than others, I suspect that will never change. I continue to pray that in my grandchildren’s hearts they remember me, they remember us, and that one day they will know the truth.

My youngest son made a giant step towards adulthood. He has saved up enough money to buy a used pickup truck and paid it in full. He continues to amaze me every day. Sadly, he then took another step towards realizing adult problems and responsibility. 2 weeks after buying it, he was in an accident and it was totaled. Thankfully no one was injured, but he lost his first big bust his ass purchase, the pickup he saved and searched for, for over a year. I cried more than he did. A mothers heart breaks for her children at all ages, for so many reasons. And then I have my #3. He is an independant 22 year old living his life with his girl, working hard, keeping in touch with his family not causing any kind of drama and always being a loving, available big brother and nothing less than loyalty and respect for our, for his family unit. Being a mother is a blessing and a sacrifice, and I am honored to carry both the privilege and the burden. Again, more quiet time needed, imperative actually, in order for me to stay strong for my youngest and to be available for both he and his brother because even when our children seem to “have it all figured out”, they still look to their mother for that nod of approval, for that hug, that smile, that wink.

So even though I’ve been busy, it’s been what I consider mostly quiet. I haven’t answered a lot of phone calls, I haven’t replied to a lot of texts. I’m taking advantage of this time and surrounding myself with quiet. I have finally started to appreciate quiet, to hear quiet, recognize quiet, and even enjoy quiet. I never would have guessed. LOL. Quiet gives my mind time to process, then time to clear, which then allows my muscles to relax, and finally all of my senses the chance to “sense” if you will.

A family member was here a couple weeks ago and couldn’t function without watching TV. The only conversation she could fully take part in, was when she would tell me about all of the different TV shows she watches suggesting several to me. She even gave up a comfortable bed to sleep in to sleep on the floor in the room with the TV because it was so important to her that she watch TV. It’s as if her world revolves around the noise, the chaos, perhaps even the illusions that television shows create for us. It gives me a huge sense of relief that I am finally able to appreciate quiet time, require it even. Quiet time aka self time is important and necessary for all of us. After all, you are the only one that has to deal with you 100% of the time. And if you can’t deal with you, or you don’t want to be with you, how can you expect anyone else to? So take quiet time for yourself, do it for you, do it for your relationship with others, do it for your sanity. You deserve it now. Don’t wait for tomorrow, because tomorrow may be too late.