Happy New Year Grandson

Good morning Bubba. How did you sleep? Have you decided what you will play today? Did you stay up late on New Years Eve? Did you have a party? Treats?

I miss you so much Bubba. I can’t believe that soon it will be a year since your parents have let us see each other. I know I’ve told you before, but I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am that this is happening. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and your sister and wonder how you are. I have a new bracelet with a dinosaur on it, and a new dinosaur ring too. I wear my ring with my mothers ring and I wear them every day. Along with your T-Rex in my pocket, they make me feel like I have a part of you with me.

I pray that this new year, 2020, this madness will end and we can get reacquainted and continue were we left off with our fun sleepovers and Friday fun days.

I love you Bubba. Both of your Grandpas, your uncles and great grandma love you. We have not forgotten you and we never will.

Love Grandma

#grandsonsrule #grandmaslittleangel #missmybubba #grandmascryingheart

Who’s Job Is It Anyway?

When there is a family feud, or family estrangement of any kind, who should make the first move? Not all that long ago my husband was at odds with his parents which sadly was all because of misunderstandings due to lack of communication.(thankfully all put behind them) At Christmas time I would tell him he should initiate contact with his mother, while at the same time I would think to myself, “why wouldn’t a mother initiate contact with her child and keep trying if unsuccessful?” True all situations are different, and this was different than mine, however…I realize now that if both parties are adults, it is the responsibility of both, the burden does not ly on the mother alone. I understand why a mother would stop trying to contact a child that has not only disrupted the families happiness, but taken themselves out of the active circle. A mother is supposed to be strong, but even she can only take so much.

My brother suggested to me during a period of visible sadness, that I invite one or both of my estranged sons for the holiday. For several reasons I did not. First of all, I’m not ready to even entertain the idea of seeing one of them for certain if not both. I will love them always, but my feelings about seeing or spending time with them has changed. They stole so much from me, their brothers, their father and step father, and their grandparents that I will likely resent them not to mention lost any sort of respect, trust or feeling of obligation to them. As a mother I want to show my remaining sons the unconditional love a mother has for her children, but at the same time I want them to see how important it is to be respectful, honest and loyal to their family and the pain that is caused when you are not.

The scale of responsibility is so easily tipped one way or the other depending on so many different aspects. I tried months ago to reach out to one of them. He was not interested, in fact he simply ignored me. I am in no hurry to be rejected again. I have let him know I’m here when he wants to come home. I feel that’s where my obligation ends. The other however is not yet even welcome here which is the most troubling situation because he is keeping our grandchildren from us. No matter how sad we are, no matter how much our heart aches, I refuse to let anyone bully or manipulate me with their lies.

If someone in your family is causing you hardship whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally you need to take away the power they desire to have over you in order to empower yourself. Do not allow those people to wreak havok in your head or in your heart in order for them to fulfill their need of purpose.

Where is our society headed? Children turning on their parents, parents stealing precious innocence from their children, sibling turning on other siblings. No one willing to stand up and say “this is wrong” to these family bullies. Are you strong enough to say “enough is enough”? It’s time for this madness to end and for healing to begin.

Trust yourself, believe in you and what you know is right. There are very cruel people among us, and sadly they may be in your family. Once we are strong enough to tell the bullies to “stick it”, once we stop letting them “run the show” and take our power back, the sooner families will be able to begin to heal and family wrongs will be made right. We ourselves may not see family unity as it should be in our lifetime, but we can begin the process to make it easy for our childrens children to not have to deal with family bullies or at least be able to keep them powerless. If my pain means my grandchildren will have peace within their family, then I willingly accept the burden. Those of us who still believe in the sanctity of family must support each other and our sacrifice will not be for nothing. Who’s job is it, if it isn’t ours.

#familyfeud #estrangedfamily #wtfhappened

Respectful Distance

I was expecting this Christmas to be horrible. I cried, I panicked, I was angry…and to my surprise, our Christmas celebration was probably one of my best ever.

What happens to us at holiday time when we have lost members of our family due to a family feud or estrangement? I was so convinced that it would be a lonely bleak day. Despite two of our sons forbidding us to be in contact with them, our first Christmas without them was not only good, but it was one of my best! Not only did we have a great time with our two youngest, but their grandma and my ex, (their father), joined us. We shared a meal, exchanged gifts and played games. No one was loud and obnoxious because they needed to be noticed, no one was teased, no jokes were made at someone elses expense, and no one walked on eggshells or made excuses for anyone and/or their behavior. Once I got over the initial sad feeling of loss, I admit it was quite possibly the least stressful and one of the most fun holidays I’ve had in I don’t know how long. The bonus was, I was not mentally exhausted when the day was over. WOW. Not only is it hard to believe, it’s even harder to admit. It is the first time I saw actual proof that what my physchologist has told me about how much disrespect I have endured from my oldest two is notably true. That alone, makes me sad.

This situation for me inspires me to share with you that it is OK to feel like some stress has been taken out of your life when you experience a disconnect from certain family members. Whether you have dismissed them, or they have dismissed themselves from your life, you may find that even though you loved them, they were constantly causing some sort of mental anquish or inadequacies and the relationship with them was unhealthy for you. Your family gatherings could very well be more enjoyable, or at minimum, less stressful. This is not something to feel badly about. The fact that everyone else is able to get along well, smile, laugh and love, is obvious the absent ones were the stress causers. A very good example of the saying, “sometimes it’s best to love from a distance”. Yes, it might make you sad that the situation is the way it is, it is still OK to enjoy yourself without feeling guilty about it.

The ironic part of my situation, is that the absent ones are absent because they choose to be, not because I want them to be. Yet I unexpectantly experienced less stress at our family gathering. Despite what the absent ones think, it’s obvious that I alone, if at all, was not the “toxic” part of our relationship.

I want you to know that you are worth having enjoyable family gatherings, whether that means you yourself attend, don’t attend, invite or don’t invite. I have shared that I believe there is a certain respect or certain actions I feel are in order when you are part of a family, and I stand by that statement whole heartedly. However, at the same time, if others are not willing to give those things to you, or do not adhear to the same family values, it’s ok for you to respectfully dismiss yourself from the active family circle. You might very well find an odd sense of peace about it. We need to surround ourselves with people that treat us with respect. There is no relationship worth causing us to question our self-worth or losing our dignity. I would rather spend my time with fewer people who choose to be honest with me on all fronts, treat me and my family with respect while believing in the same family values, than be surrounded by a larger group of people that is occupied by lies, posers,disrespect and a lack of the family values in which I hold close to my heart.

I believe there are questions you should ask yourself:

  • How do I feel when I’m with______?
  • Do I feel inadequate or disrespected when I’m with ______?
  • Do I get teased when ______ is around?
  • Does ______ often hurt my feelings when they are with me?
  • Do my children and/or I enjoy our time with ______?
  • Do I feel safe with _____ is around?
  • Do I question myself when I’m with ______?
  • Am I exhausted when ______ leaves my house or when our time together is over?

There are certainly other questions, and maybe my questions don’t apply to you. If nothing else, they are good examples of what you should be asking yourself. The answers may very well solve the mystery for you. In my case, I only have three answers to the above questions that tell me the time I spent with my two oldest was not always good for me. I was always exhausted when one of them in particular left. I was always the butt of the jokes and I constantly questioned myself when either of them was around. I guess that means I didn’t always feel adequate or good about myself in their presence either. Wow, that sure is yucky to admit. I’m suggesting you examine your feelings and believe in yourself and how you feel. Perhaps a family member makes you feel like you’re not enough, or maybe they make you feel like you are less than you deserve to be. If that happens, the time with that person, relative or not, is probably not good for you. I’m not suggesting for you to be disrespectful, I’m not suggesting that you blow off your family completely. I’m only suggesting that while we should treat our family members with respect, if they do not reciprocate it might be best to respectully love from a distance. I want you to remember also, that if it is necessary for you to love from a distance, you should continue to be respectful, do not gossip or cause any retribution for them. It is not acceptable for you or anyone to pit other family members against each other. Only people that are insecure in their own choices or their own values will choose to cause discontent or issues between other family members.

In the situation that you find yourself being the target of bad criticism, lies or idle gossip from other family members. I want you to remind yourself that if they feel it necessary to cause added heartache to your already unfortunate family situation in any manner, then they do not adhere to the same family values as you do. In which case, my opinion is that it is perfectly acceptable to dismiss them from your active family circle. No need to bad mouth them, no need to make a scene, simply discontinue contact with them. And if anyone asks why you have chosen to keep your distance, you can share with them that you have found your values differ from theirs and to avoid causing any drama for innocent bystanders, it’s better for everyone to leave the space as it is.

Love your family, love yourself. If everyone treats family with the respect they deserve then none of this is even necessary. However, in the event that you have found yourself the target of negative family chaos, it’s OK for you to respectfully keep yourself in a safe place at a safe distance. And hopefully one day, the issues will be resolved and you and all of your family can enjoy each others company once again.

#keepingmydistance #savingmysanity

What Family Means To Me

Christmas is in two days.  I’ve heard sad stories about holidays for broken families but never thought it would be mine.  When I say broken, I’m not talking about divorced or separated parents I’m referring to A BROKEN FAMILY.  Broken as in a member or members have disconnected from the family and there are broken hearts.  It’s true, my children’s father and I divorced many years ago, but in all of those years we have had most of our holidays together.  When I say together, I mean all differences put aside, our children have spent most of those holidays with their entire family together including them, their Grandma, their dad, their stepdad and me.  My ex comes to our house, or he even hosted once, and we celebrate as a family.  Yes, that’s how amazing our family is…er was. This year however, we are broken. We will have mom, dad, stepdad, Grandma, and our youngest together. Our next oldest will be with his S.O. family and will join us later in the afternoon but it ends there. Our oldest two will not join us, they will most likely never rejoin us hence making us what I consider a BROKEN FAMILY.

It breaks my heart when I think about how much you as a person has to completely dispice your mother to not only abandon her, but siblings as well. How much hatred a person must feel in order to keep them away even during the Holidays. Sometimes when I think about it I can’t stop crying. Other times, I see from a different view and wonder instead how miserable they must be in their own skin to make the decision to stay away.

I have spent so much time being hurt, angry, sad, and betrayed, that I hadn’t realized until now that I should also, being a good mother in good conscience, pitty the boys I raised that chose to despise me. I pitty them because even though we will miss them being here on Christmas, we still have each other. They, on the other hand, will be alone. Yes they will have their wives and maybe her family, but nothing will ever replace us, their first family, their roots. I watched my husband for several years miss his first family during the holidays, however, for him it wasn’t his choice. Whether that makes it a tougher situation or not I do not know. What I do know however, is your first family is a part of you. You can decide to disagree with them, you can decide to hide from them or you can decide to accept who you are, where you came from and admit to yourself the same blood runs through your veins. This my friends, in my humble opinion, is being part of a family. You don’t have to agree, you don’t even have to like everything, but you can’t ignore who you are.

To me, little old insignificant me, when you are part of a family you have obligations. An obligation to tell family members what needs to be said even if they don’t want to hear it, while remaining respectful in your delivery. An obligation to honor your father and your mother, not only because they gave you life, but because God told you to. An obligation to your siblings because quite simply, they are your siblings. I believe in a family, there needs to be an order starting at the top going down. In other words, respect the elders of your family because they have provided so much for you and your continued exsistance. In a family, there will be disagreements, there will be anger, there will be sadness. But at the end of the day, when it matters most, the self respecting person will be there to support the ones in their family that need it most.

Has someone in your family betrayed you? Take a moment to think about them, raise their name in prayer, and pitty the fact that they are miserable enough with themselves and their lives, to forget the ones in which they owe the greatest debt. Don’t let them cheat you of the happiness you deserve. There is no one entitled enough to take that from you. That’s what family means to me.

#brokenfamiliessuck #shittykids

Family? Are you sure?

Dealing with family issues is very  exhausting. Some days are better than others.  Some days I am angry and wish the people that have hurt me would fall off the face of the earth. Some days I simply forget about it and them by keeping myself overly busy and ignoring mankind.   And some days I am so sad and brokenhearted that it takes every ounce of energy in me just to pull myself out of bed in the morning. 

We all need strength to deal with the junk in our lives. I suppose there may be different types of strength to be had. Some people find strength in exercise. Some people find strength in prayer. Some people find strength in reading or writing.  Some people find strength in music. Some people find strength from the show of support from their loved ones.  But regardless of how or where we find any sort of strength, I believe true strength comes from within ourselves. It’s finding that inner self in which our strength lies that can be so difficult.  Im the past, I had always found my strength in being surrounded by my family. Losing half of my family sure changed that for me. Perhaps that’s part of what makes my situation so depressing for me.  I not only feel like I lost my family, but I lost my great source of strength.

After the past 8 months, I was finally starting to feel like the rest of our extended family was seeing the whole picture of our unfortunate situation.  It made me feel like my youngest sons and I had their support.  (no doubt it had to do with the fact that they were also being ignored)  In the beginning everyone was shocked, but not a lot of “this isn’t right” was said.   Recently, the “cruel son” reached out to some extended family members acting like nothing had happened.  The first visit being a fake emergency to test the waters, and now that he has seen that they won’t confront him he will kiss ass hoping they forget about his sick actions.  That’s his game, after 20+ years I know it well.  So now, those family members just picked right up without any consideration of the effect it will have on us, the mother father and brothers he has so easily bullied and then forgotten about.  It’s made me realize, that being a family doesn’t mean the same to everyone.  After being lied to, bullied, cheated and tossed to the side like garbage, I realize that even “loving family” can turn on you in a second. The support you have from the rest of said “loving family” may not stand up for what’s right, they might simply do what’s easiest for themselves. When you ask them about it, they will give you some sort of “excuse”. Well people, excuses are like —holes, everybody has one. I used to think I had 30 or so “loving” family members that I would have bet that I could trust with my life. I now realize I was a fool and that number is MUCH smaller. 

I need to find that place within me that holds my strength.  I know I have it because I’ve used it before. It’s true, it’s been stomped on a bit, but I believe I still have it, I just need to believe in it in order to use it.  My mistake was believing I needed their support or approval to be strong.  I realize now that believing that your “loving family” will stand behind you, stand up for you is just a hopeful thought, an illusion even.  I’m not saying all of our “loving family” will leave us standing alone, but don’t count on all of them because the hard truth is that many, no matter who they are, will only stand up for you until doing so means discomfort for themselves.  Therefore giving you the feeling of an indirect betrayal.

Our true strength is believing in ourselves. So many of us hold on to the illusion that we need other people to give us strength, especially our family. We believe in our family and in the love and loyalty of all of them, and in turn we feel invincible. We deserve to feel this way on our own, but sadly sometimes we don’t feel like we do. We think we need the approval of those around us, and that approval or understanding gives us strength. I know this because I too feel this need.

We need to empower ourselves by digging deep and finding our own strength. I believe when we use our own strength from within, we will also have peace. By seeking counseling, I am learning what it takes to find my strength. I am learning that each of us is different therefore there is no one right solution. I have also learned that it is ok to be resentful and hurt when someone you love betrays you. When it consumes you, your mind, your days…that is what is NOT OK. I need the help of therapy and meds to keep it from consuming me. I’m also blessed at this time of my life to have a husband that works hard to help free me of the YUCK.  I’ve also learned that it is healthy to set my boundaries and tell people when their choice makes me feel forgotten. The key is to know that I can only tell them I’m hurt and not try to make them behave one way or another. And that my friends is using my strength.

You will never forget betrayal, either direct or indirect, and it is your decision alone to forgive. Whatever you decide is ok, as long as it gives you peace. Be honest with yourself and with others. If others aren’t strong enough, dont let that take away from your strength. There are already more than enough bullies and fake people in this world, you dont want to become one of them. Are you tired of the YUCK? Good. You should be.  

Take care of yourself.  Love only who deserves your love, accept only those that deserve your acceptance.  You are worth the respect you desire.  Find and use your strength to find peace for yourself. If that means you need to separate yourself, then do so. Need to get off of Facebook, then do so. Stop calling? Then do so. There is no need for you to be an ass about it, just do it. Maybe you are the one who needs to make the tough decision to love from afar. Find a circle of people that will support you and stand up for you, even when it’s hard to do. That’s a family. Surround yourself with people that you benefit from from as much as they benefit from you. That’s a family.

Stop worrying about everybody else, it’s time to worry about you. You will have good days, you will have bad days, you will have days of indifference. The point is…they are your days. Take care of yourself, be mentally healthy. A good family won’t stand in the way.

Quick vent

When someone in your family is treating other family members horribly, do you say something to them, or do you ignore the issue and pretend all is fine? Personally, I speak up. I’m not rude about it, but I let them know their behavior is not ok.

With all of this BS going on within my family, no one will step up and stick up for us. They just talk to our estranged sons/brothers like it’s another day. Even if they haven’t heard from them in months. Facebook, in person whatever. No one has the guts to speak up to the bullies. No one has the decency to stick up for me and my youngest two.

I’m really starting to wonder what family really means.

Don’t delay

If you’ve put your pride ahead of all else, it’s time to suck it up and realize there are bigger more important things to worry about than your pride. Don’t lose your chance to fix it, once they are gone, you’ve lost your chance to say I am sorry and you’ve lost the chance to right your wrong. If you miss your chance, you will be the one to live with the YUCK.

Think about it.

Good Days and Bad Days-

I need to find PEACE. I have been so bitter lately, and it’s exhausting.  The closer it gets to Christmas, the sadder and more bitter I am. My heart aches each and every day. Half of me thinks about reaching out to them, and the other half knows that if I do I am only stepping into a trap. Sometimes I wonder if I would have wanted to be a mom if I had known it meant I was going to endure this kind of heart ache.

I know in my head that I have done nothing to deserve this. I know that the pain they are causing me and the rest of the family, will haunt them one day. I have done and am continuing to do what I need to do for my self growth and self preservation. But no matter what I do, no matter how healthy my actions are….the heartache doesn’t stop.

Where do we find PEACE so that we can calm that inner sadness? I thought going to church was going to be the answer, but it was not. In many ways in fact, it made things worse. Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying, I don’t think God is making it worse. I simply believe differently than the church I had found. However, the people in the church did help me start the process of finding my faith again and for that I am greatful. I have not yet found my church, but I can feel the pull of my Catholic roots and have been talking with special people in my life about it. Perhaps that is one place I can find PEACE.

I find another part of PEACE in my husbands arms. When he holds me I can feel his love and his sorrow around me, and it is comforting. I find yet another part of PEACE when I talk with my two remaining sons. They know the situation, they know the entire story from all sides, and they understand because they too have been victims of the same bullying. I feel PEACE when they say “I love you”, and I feel PEACE when I see them going on with their lives not letting the bullies steal time from them. But it still feels like there is something missing. Perhaps when you feel such a deep betrayal, total PEACE is not possible.

I need to refind my strength.  I need to regain my faith in myself.  I need to remind myself of the stress and heartache that I had when they were around and remember the guilt trips, the manipulating, the feeling of inadequacy they caused me.  No mother deserves being abandoned by her children, but no mother deserves to be treated badly by them in a constant basis either. I need to be strong for my 17 year old son, I need to be strong for my husband, I need to be strong for my Grandchildren because one day they will come looking for us and they deserve to find us all. But mostly I need to be strong for me. I deserve happiness just as much as anyone and I need to not let the bullies steal any more of it from me.

I realize there will be good days and there will be bad days, but they are my days to live the best I can. I will fight through this feeling of yuck again, as I have before so many times. We all deserve happiness. Don’t let the Bully no matter who it is, steal any more time from you. You deserve better than that.

One Day You’ll Find Out the Truth

Hello Bubba. How are you today? Have you been having a good week? How is daycare going? Are you making new friends? What is your best friends name? What do you like to do at daycare? Do you have a new favorite toy?

I was at the Harley store the other day. They have an entire area of fun things for grandchildren. They have some fun toys and hats that made me think of you. The neatest new thing I saw there were suitcases that had a picture of a motorcycle and said “going to grandmas” or “going to grandpas”. I remember when your daddy was little he had a special little suitcase for grandma and grandpas house. I would have gotten it for you, but since you cant come to my house any more I didn’t. I did buy your and Sissy’s Christmas ornaments. Some day you will be able to put them on your own trees and share them with your children. I wish I could see you open them this year, but that’s not going to happen. 😪 Grandpa and I put them in your special box to save for you.

I had a meeting yesterday. There is this thing called “Grandparent Rights”. It means when someone wants to see their Grandchildren and their kids won’t let them, people meet in a big room and talk to someone called a judge. The judge usually tells the mom and dad that they have to let the children see their Grandma and Grandpa. They do this because it is so important for grandchildren and grandparents to be together. Some scientists and doctors worked together and proved that the more time you spend with your grandmas and grandpas, the more successful you will be. That must be why your daddy liked to spend so much time with his grandma and grandpa. Some people want us to go talk to the judge and tell him your mom and daddy won’t let you see your gammas and papas. They said the judge would probably tell your parents you can see all of us because they don’t let you see us and we are right here. The people said your mom and daddy are sick, so I dont want you to be mad at them, they don’t understand what they are doing. Some of their friends have been calling, telling us someone should put a stop to this. Maybe we should go to the judge, but I’m afraid to go to the judge, because it will be stressful for you and for you Sissy and I dont want to cause you any more stress than you already have. I’m so sorry Bubba. My heart cries for you every day. I pray and pray for your daddy to remember what’s really important in life because I know he knows. What’s most important Bubba, is that you remember in your heart that we love you. One day when you will be able to come on your own and we will love you just as much then as we do now.

I still read our Grandma Wishes book every Friday just like we used to. Sometimes I read it more. And I still have Rex in my pocket, and Gamma Dinosaur sits next to our bed. Me and PaPa and your uncles miss you so much. I’m sorry this is happening. It shouldn’t be, and it’s not right. But it’s NOT your fault. I’m sorry that no one has the courage to come help. One day we will talk about it. I promised you I will always tell you everything just like me Gamma did for me. I have everything saved for you. It’s icky sad stuff, but I have it. When the time comes, I want you to know the truth. You deserve to know. We all love you.

Love, Gamma

Good Morning Son

I’m writing to tell you I will never forgive you for taking my Grandschildren away from me.  I have put up with your chronic lying, your never ending manipulating, your obvious exaggerating, your passing the buck, and your running away for 20 plus years, this is the last time.  You have put our family through some unbelievable crap over the years, but you have crossed the unforgivable line one to many times. It’s too hard to keep up with your mood swings, and I no longer have the patience to wait while you play your games out in your head.  

You think you can keep up your charade and fool so many forever…well it’s coming to an end.  One by one people are figuring out that you’re nothing more than a bully with a smile. One by one they are realizing the nice guy in you is no longer enough for them to continue to put up with your crap.  

 Crazy idea or not, but I’m not sure if I believe that you are really that much of an a–hole, or if you’re that demented and think buying a house made your balls get bigger.  (Since everyone agrees that when you bought a house you turboed straight into super jerk) Either way, I will never forget what you’ve put our family through. You not only hurt your parents, but more importantly you hurt your little brothers, your grandparents, your step daughter and your own son.  Lucky for you some people are weak hearted and won’t confront you about your unforgivable actions when you show up at their doorstep needing help. (I hear you’ve already started with one) There is no excuse for your horrible behavior. You betrayed the people that have always stood up for you, even when you didn’t deserve it.  I hope it was worth it for you. I quote “Before you do me wrong, be sure you never need me again”.  

I’ve made my decision,  I’m done with you. You’re lies and selfishness broke my family for which I gave up everything to protect from harm.  My Grandchildren and I will reconnect one day. I have everything in place for them and there is nothing you can do about it.  There are people that will tell them about me, they won’t be little forever. The day will come when they hear and see the truth,  it’s all being kept in a safe place for them. If there is a God, you might want to ask him to help you out when your son and stepdaughter find out all the loving family you’ve kept from them, because it will happen.  You’re teaching them that it’s ok to disrespect your parents as soon as you’re old enough, what are you gonna do when they do it to you?

When you found out you were going to be a father you cried to me that you were afraid you would be worthless like your biological dad.  Well congratulations, you did it, you are just as worthless as he.  

Merry Christmas. 

Done with the Pain & All Out Of Love, MOM