I’m a Fat Girl (My Girl Story. My girl Vent about a Sensitive Issue)

Yes, I’m a fat girl. I’ve been told most of my life that I needed to lose weight. The funny part about that is, I wasn’t overweight when it started. My weight issue started when I was pregnant the first time. I gained 70+ pounds with that pregnancy. My weight went up and down from there for a few years until eventually it was more than just a little overweight. Life got away from me, I worried about taking care of everyone else’s needs more than I worried about myself. I tried several things to help me take weight off. I tried exercise DVD’s and every diet from here to Mars. When I was pregnant with my fourth son, we found a couple contributors to my weight issue which included a gluten allergy and a sluggish thyroid. This helped to explain why it was so hard to lose the weight.

In 2004 I joined Curves and went 6 days a week. Within 4 months I lost 50 pounds, and at that point I needed and wanted more. I moved on to a bigger gym and hired a personal trainer. The trainer was more of a life coach. His biggest purpose was to help me find low fat foods that were gluten free and to keep me accountable. You see my biggest food issue was not that I ate too much or that I ate a lot of junk food. My problem was not regularly eating enough. Yes, I’m the fatty whose fat because she doesn’t eat. You see, when you are hypothyroid and your metabolism is already slow, and you have the bad habit of not putting enough fuel in your tank… you end up with no go-go, in other words your body stores calories rather than burn them, aka starvation mode.  Everyones bodies acts and reacts differently to different situations, and this is my bodies reaction.  My trainer Jim talked to me about taking care of myself and not forgetting my needs, both physically and mentally.  I lost another 30 pounds.  A year later I joined a new gym and got a new trainer. His name was Jared and quite honestly he scared the shit out me. He was very strict and I was certain that if I didn’t do exactly what he said I would pay dearly.  I was even afraid to waiver at home because I was convinced that somehow he would know.  But…we turned out to be a great team. He busted my ass and I loved every minute of it. I shed another 70 pounds.  I was strong, I was cut, you could even see my abs! The gym used before and after photos of me on posters and advertising in other gyms within their franchise across the US. I started kickboxing and training for obstale course races. I was in my mid 30’s and in the best shape of my life hands down. All of this, and when I looked in the mirror I still saw a fat girl. A couple years later while I was dealing with my divorce and the stress of working 9 hours from home, I lost another 25 pounds. This isn’t weight I should have lost, the size I wore told me I was tiny. I was in a size 3 which was not necessarily healthy for me.  I don’t remember ever being a size 3 in my lifetime, but that small number seemed to give me power. For the first time in my life, I started to feel like I MIGHT NOT be a fat girl.

Less than a year later, my drive to get to the gym slowly started to diminish. I was getting injuries one after another and my orthopedic doctor advised me to take an extended break. No doubt my physical self needed it because God knows I loved to overdue it, but mentally it was the last thing I needed to do. I dont do well with change, and when I tried to get back to it, my old gym rat friends were gone. I couldn’t justify the money for a trainer, and honestly I hated going to the gym alone. I had a new man who didn’t need to, like to or want to go to the gym and I much preferred to spend any of my “extra” time with him. It became obvious that the gym wasn’t going to be a big part of my life anymore. I missed my gym workouts but my life had changed. I no longer felt the need for the social time I had previously longed for and I forgot that in the big picture, my body really does need it. Some people are lucky and never need to work out a day in their life, unfortunately I am not one of those lucky ones. You build a real connection with the people you work out with. Helping and seeing each other in vulnerable situations, showing your weaknesses and strengths and no one caring that you’re sweaty and looking ragged.  It builds a trust and respect amongst you that is not shared with just anyone. I had become an equal in the gym, even a mentor to some.  It was inevitable that eventually I would miss the social aspect of my gym time as much as the physical.

Over the past ten years I have gone up 40 pounds down 20, up 15 pounds down 45 etc.   Now, here I am with 80 of the original 190 pounds that I had lost, back on. I’m not 300 pounds, but I certainly am a far cry from my empowering size 3 jeans.  What does that mean for me?  Yep. I’m back to fat for real.

Some people in my life have seen me through all of the sizes, and some have only seen one or the other.  So I’ve hear a lot of comments that I might not have otherwise heard.  I know what it feels like to have the fat jokes directed at me. On the other hand, I heard all the fat jokes directed to other large women when I was skinny.  I can honestly say, I hated it all just the same. When I was skinny and I heard fat comments being made, I would say things like, “don’t say that”, “that’s mean”, “you dont know their situation”, I even remember saying “I’m a fat girl and it offends me.”  People would roll their eyes because they didn’t know what I had come from. 

Putting weight back on is humiliating at best. It’s embarrassing to let the people who only know skinny me because I fear it looks like I “let myself go”. It’s humiliated when I see the people who saw fat me turn into skinny me because I don’t want them to see my failure. There are certain things I love to do, but now I’m afraid to do them because during my skinny years I heard all of the laughing and negative comments people say about big girls doing them. Why would I knowingly put myself in that situation, especially knowing from experience how embarrassing it is.  No one enjoys being the target of humiliating comments or laughter.

The scariest part of this weight gain for me is having a hotty husband.  It appears to me that the good looking guys without a weight issue rarely desire fat girls.  We started dating when I was skinny.  He has seen some pictures of me in the past and he knows my story, but I’m no fool, seeing it in front of you naked is a whole new deal.  It’s a silent brag moment for me everytime I see a woman “gawk” at him. But those moments coupled with knowing he was a man slut before he started seeing me, makes me feel like I’m sitting on a powder keg just waiting to explode. Meaning it’s just a matter of time before he gets tired of my grossness.

I can’t help but think it won’t take long for him to miss having a skinny girl and start to “wander”. I know he loves me dearly, he shows me in countless ways. Still I can’t help but fear him seeing me for the fat gross woman that I am and leaving me or worse yet filling that desire by cheating on me. And besides that, what woman wants to be “bigger” than her husband? I have no judgement for the women that are and are good with it. I wish I had that kind of confidence. When will this self loathing stop?  I’m working on myself, but it feels like I’m not getting anywhere.  When will I be strong enough to make this self loathing stop? I’m a fat girl, not dumb girl and I know that I’m the only one that can fix this.

When you look in the mirror, who do you see? Appreciate who’s looking back at you, respect and love the person you see. Find the courage & strength to love yourself for who you are and as you are. If you present yourself in such a way, others will see your confidence, your courage, and your strength and they will respect you for that. There will always be some ugly people, but don’t hesitate to dismiss them because of their ugliness.

Learn to love yourself today.  You are worth it right now and you don’t have to wait for tomorrow.   Take care of you today, because you never know when your tomorrow won’t come.

A Thank You Message For My Followers

I started this blog per my doctor’s orders to begin my self healing process.  I haven’t been doing this very long, and already I am floored by how many people have reached out to say things like “thank you”, “keep it up”, “I love reading this” or ” this is changing my life”.  

I want to say THANK YOU to my followers. I never could have imagined that my story could help other people.  Isn’t it mind boggling how many of us have so much ugly in our lives? We all have a different story with different victories, different struggles, and different kinds of ugly.  But we all need to overcome and conquer the same. Together we will all keep our heads up, keep moving forward and support each other when one of us can’t stand on our own.  

This is our time, our time to heal, our time to shine, our time to take our lives back from the ugly people or ugly situations that have stolen from us. 

Today is the day…and you know why…because we never know when our  tomorrow won’t come.   

An Angry Mothers Vent

This entry is nothing more than my own personal struggle (or victory) right here, right now.  I need to vent and clear the air in my head.  If you’re offended easily you may want to pass.

My baby (Son 4) turned 17 years old yesterday and he didn’t hear a peep from his 2 oldest brothers.   Seriously. 😦 And I say that with a giant frustrated grumble and an irritated sigh. What kind of selfish toxic ugly person ignores their minor brother on his birthday?  As if it wasn’t crappy enough one (Son 2) of the two( Son 1 & Son 2) ignored their 22 year old brother (Son 3) on his birthday in Sep. (Son 3 rents from Son 1 so he cant act like a total ass or he’ll loose his renter) I’m so irritated, embarrassed and even pissed off.  These 2 young men never did anything but love and believe in their big brothers, only to be repaid with broken promises and a huge lack of compassion. Son 2 is the selfish son that has taken both maternal grandmas out of his son and step daughters life. One day chances are good that they will find out the truth, and could likely turn on him for it. What family will he have to show him support when he needs it outside of his a delusional wife and her clueless relatives? (They are 2 states away).  He is burning his most important family bridges.  

I admit I’m the woman who has judged mothers harshly when they don’t put their children first.  But honestly, I’m to the point of thinking about completely writing both of my oldest boys off permanently.  (meaning no more waiting or hoping for them to come home) Their selfish behavior and actions this past year stole so much from our family. I’m crushed that I raised two people who have no heart and think they are above the rest of us.  I’m frustrated with family members that have chosen not to tell both of these boys how horrible their behavior is, and I’m even more frustrated with the family members that have supported these boys.  Although, I do see the one family that is in support of their behavior, did the same thing to one of their children’s grands, so of course it makes sense because this can validate for them that it’s ok to keep your children from their grandparents and clear their conscience.  

I’m done with shitty people.  I don’t care if I gave birth to them or not.  As far as I’m concerned, if they want to cause pain to people, especially a young man, their little brother, who has put up with too much BS over the years from them, then to hell with them both.  I will however, patiently wait for our grandson to come looking for us all because I’m certain he will be more than happy to get his 2 sets of grandparents and 2 uncles back into his life.  

I have seen other people do this to their kids a few times before, and it never ends in favor of the parent that isolated the children from family.  Those children grow up resentful and have no problem returning the favor to their parents, or at minimum enjoy the family they missed for so long despite their parents wishes.   

I have found the light. I can finally see and believe that I didn’t do this.  I didn’t raise shitty people, those 2 turned shitty despite how I raised them, not because.  I gave them everything they needed and more. Over the years I watched Son 1 treat friends and girlfriends like crap, and I never said a word.  I watched him break his word, and not take care of debts, including several that have a direct negative effect on 3 of his grandparents. How embarrassing for a mother.   I probably should have seen this coming. Son 2 is an exact replica of his biological father. ( A sad and disturbing truth because it’s no secret that he’s a puke) He always has been like him, no more explanation necessary.  Only thing left to seal the deal is to find out which of his own children will permanently leave him as soon as they are able.  Like Father Like Son.

On the other end of the stick, Son 3 and his girlfriend came to spend time with his little brother for his birthday.  ❤ As we sat and talked, I think that I have looked at my divorce all wrong. I’ve been sad ever since their dads and my separation/divorce because all I ever wanted for my children was a stable forever family.  Well instead of focusing on what was lost, I should have been focusing on how lucky we are for that life while it lasted. For me because it gave me Son 3 and Son 4 which I see as the greatest blessings. Thankfully, they’ve watched and listened and are carrying on my family values. I guess the Universe, or God or whatever you call the higher power, knew my first 2 would not live by the family values I hold so dear and would leave us. So he blessed me with 2 more so that I could continue to live my dream of having a loving family that respects our family values.

It hurts that I’ve been put in the position to consider forgetting about my own flesh and blood. You must think I’m horrible, the truth is, I’m not horrible I’m simply learning to let go of things I cannot control and to take care myself.  They both chose to say the unforgivable things that they said, they chose to tell me to —- —. It’s ALL on them. I know I’ll never completely forget, but sadly it gets easier and easier every day. In fact, over the last year with them in my life, I can now see that they caused me more stress than any mom deserves. (and they are supposed to be adults) Once I got over the worst of my depression, I was able to see and to admit that I don’t miss the BS or drama that came with them both. NOW THAT WAS HARD TO ADMIT. The day I said that out loud, I cried so damn hard because that’s a truth that hurts you to your core. If you think I’m a horrible mother, then you’ve never been betrayed by your own in such a way that it puts you within a thread of taking your final breath of life.  Deep in my heart I suppose I still love them and I suppose I always will. I don’t however like either of them any longer, nor do I have any interest in inviting them back into my life. They made the decision to spit in my face which was bad enough, but when they both decided to spit in their brothers faces simply because they refuse to sink to such a low level of existence. Quite frankly that simply forces me to protect my family. And my family are the people that share my belief in family values, and I guess that means I now only have 2 sons remaining.  I’ve decided to go ahead with making all of the changes and my final arrangements necessary in favor of my 2 loyal sons. I’ve also told those closest to me who I want contacted if I become ill. My thought is this …I don’t want you to reenter my life because I’m sick. All that means is that you want a clear conscience. Well I say tough shit to that, because your conscience is not my problem. If you’re going to come back into my life, it’s going to be because you miss having your mother. For any other reason…it’s not happening.  

Am I unreasonable?  No, I don’t think so.  They’ve put me through hell.  I gave up everything for them and more.  My thanks was getting spit on. A psychologist made a great point to me.  “Would I fight to keep anyone else in my life after they disrespected me and treated me so horribly?”  The answer is NO, I WOULD NOT. So I will not for anyone, unless the appropriate apology is given. And even then, it isn’t a sure thing.  There are rules for respect and I will no longer settle for less.

What’s done is done.  —- you both, and thanks for nothing. 

Hold on to the people that treat you well, and don’t be afraid of letting the ugly people go when they leave.   Your days are precious, and you are worth more than begging. Live each day knowing your value and without regrets because life is too short, and you never know when you won’t get your tomorrow. 

Bully Me No More

Insecurity, seeking validation, self doubt and feeling picked on or bullied…its all connected.

There is a difference between trying to convince people to see it your way, and wanting people to validate what you see. 

Do you know someone who or perhaps find yourself second guessing yourself and your actions?  How about constantly giving people explanations for your actions, your choices, or even explaining your opinion?  Do you feel like you have to convince people of your logic because of your need for them to approve of you, what you did or what you think? 

Enter the “Explainer”. There are “explainers” who:

their only intention is to convince people to agree with them and see it their way because they refuse to be wrong

And there are “explainers” who:

their only intention is to convince people to validate them or their opinion in hopes of proving their worth

The person that goes overboard explaining, might even exaggerate a little or be a bit to try to ensure people will believe them. (their so full of self doubt that they feel its necessary)

This person they might even give credit to someone else for their ideas or suggestions because they can’t imagine anyone putting any value in what they have to offer.   

Let me be clear that I am not talking about the blatant liar, or the story teller that refuses to let people correct them.  The people I am referring to are truth tellers, they just don’t want to take the chance of people laughing at them or thinking they are stupid so they use these tactics as protection.

Let’s talk about this “explainer” or “validation seeker”. 

True, everyone likes to be validated, but not everyone NEEDS to be validated.  Why do they need that validation? Who do they want the validation from?  Those of us that need it, need it because we don’t believe in ourselves. We will accept it from anyone, but we especially long for it from the people we are closest to, or those whose opinion matters to us.  If they validate OUR opinion, then it must be ok and that means we might not be stupid.

It’s no wonder people misinterpret “explainers” & “validation seekers” actions.  It may seem like this person is trying to convince people to agree with them, which from the outside perspective, probably looks like they think that they are always right.  But in reality, they are seeking validation.  THIS IS RIDICULOUS YOU SAY???  Yes, I’m aware, and yet…it happens.  It’s just another piece of this insecurity puzzle. 

So here we are again, on the continued search to find what drives this ugly insecurity.   Remember, in order to fix a leak, we must first find it.  Ask yourself this, “What has happened to me in my life to make me doubt myself and my intelligence?”  Chances are you will find more than one answer.  Today I bring you more random contributing factors of self doubt. In an earlier entry I spoke of gaslighting, which is one big possible contributor to ones self doubt. It is also, in my opinion, a common form of bullying. When people talk about bullying we think of children on the playground, forgetting that adults deal with bullying as well. There are many forms of bullying and chances are good that the severely insecure person has been or is currently being bullied by one or more people.  You can be bullied by your peers, strangers, co-workers, and whether you chose to believe it or not, it is common to be bullied by family members.  For example, maybe you grew up with your mother blaming you for her missing out on her “big life plans”.  Perhaps you have a sibling that enjoyed or still enjoys making you feel like a loser because they did better than you.  My favorite is the wealthy family member that loves to show their “worth”, or the person that thinks their shit doesn’t stink and is constantly patronizing you.  Maybe you were one of the kids it was easy to pick on at school because “you take it so well” or you’re “good natured”. Perhaps you were abused by an ex and told you were stupid on a daily basis, or the ex laughed at you and make you the target of smart alec comments and jokes to their friends, and worse yet, to your children.  It’s also possible that you have been or are bullied by a co-worker or even your employer.  And believe it or not, you might even be a victim of your own children’s bullying tactics. 

I’ve always been easy to pick on.  I don’t know why, maybe because I just laughed along with everyone rather than tell people I didn’t like it.  Most recently I recall my boys’ dad poking fun at me about random things and my boys following his lead and laughing along with him.  Eventually my boys started to poke fun at me about various things, some little, some big, but regardless the size of the poke, they all hurt.  Going back, I remember being picked on by a few of my uncles, a couple more so than others (a little teasing could be part of the job description).  The joking was generally good natured as a lot of uncles do, but I remember two uncles in particular that ALWAYS did it and it never seemed to quit.  I mostly remember the comments about my “bubble butt”. EMBARRASSING! One particular uncle was very extreme. He would pull my pants down in front of everyone around and laugh. Of course the whole room would join in laughing, probably because it was so awkward and they didn’t have the courage to help me, so laughing seemed logical to them, even my parents didn’t have the courage to stop him.  It was the same for me with my peers. As I’ve said before, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere, which meant I welcomed any attention that I got from anyone. Not all of my peers picked on me, but even the ones that didn’t, still laughed when the others did. Of course I always laughed along, because people were smiling which to me felt like I was accepted in some weird way, and it’s much less embarrassing to make it look like you also think it’s funny.  Not to mention, I wasn’t going to be a tattletale or a snitch, that would certainly seal my fate as a loser.  There were kids that got picked on much worse than I, a couple were my friends, and one I am guilty of picking on as well. I look back on that, and I feel sick-how could I?  The most humiliating for me though, came from the boy in the grade ahead of me while we were in high school. He would run up behind me and pull my pants down in school in front of everyone.  This was a weekly event, sometimes daily. I can still remember the kids laughing. All of them. Honestly I think if I saw him now, I would give him one big crack right across the face.

These are some of the incidents in my past that are large contributors to my being insecure which in turn causes my self doubt and my need to “explain” or my need to seek validation.   If you too are one of these “explainers” or “validation seekers”, the simple yet important thing to remember, is that you are an adult, and you don’t need to “explain” yourself to anybody.  Yes, you will find situations when an explanation is necessary or appropriate, or you choose to explain simply to be polite.  The key here, is when you want to explain, first ask yourself why you are explaining.  If the situation does not warrant an explanation, if you are explaining only because you want approval …..STOP! 

It’s respectful to explain to your spouse why you were late getting home from work.  It’s not necessary to explain to your neighbor why you mow your yard differently than they.  When a friend or colleague invites you to lunch and you don’t want to go?  It’s best to say “No thank you”,  you don’t need to go on with a big explanation of your exhausting week.   Maybe a family friend has a sticky situation to deal with and you have a suggestion for them.  If they want an opinion, yes you should offer yours, but it’s not ok for you to give your spouse credit for it just in case they think it’s a ridiculous suggestion and you don’t want to take the chance of them laughing at you.  If they trust your opinion, you should trust it too!

Maybe you miss a gathering because you had a headache most of the day and you just weren’t feeling quite up to par.  It’s not necessary for you to exaggerate and tell them you were so sick that you could barely walk and you had a fever of 103. 

It’s important for us to speak up for ourselves when appropriate, and to believe that we don’t need everyone’s approval.  I think that it’s necessary for us to acknowledge the ugly things that have happened in our past, or the ugly words that have been spoken to us.  Then, most importantly, we need to believe that we did not deserve any of the ugliness.  We did not ask for it, it was not for anyone to give to us, it was wrong.  We need not let shitty people from our past, or shitty situations in our past negatively define who we are now.  The only definition should be how gracefully we recover from the ugliness that was undeservingly doled out to us.  We should not let anyone disrespect us, not with actions or with words.  Bullying comes in many shapes and sizes, and isn’t always so obvious.  Regardless, it’s ugly and it has been a major part of diminishing your self-value.  Our best advocate for ourselves is us,  if we don’t stick up for ourselves or believe in ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to?  I am an important person, YOU are an important person.  I admit, I’m not sure of my purpose at present, but even as lost as I’ve been recently, I know that we all have one.  Don’t let the ugliness define you any longer.  Life is too short and time is too precious for you to cower in the corner.  Surround yourself with people that are good to you and good for you.  Keep the ugly people at a distance no matter who they are.  (You can love from a distance if necessary)   Live your life for you and empower yourself.  Don’t wait for tomorrow, because tomorrow may be to late. 

Worry Is A Thief

How does one know if they are delusional or not?  That has been my question to myself for a while now.  I’m fortunate in that I see a highly recommended psychologist and so when I have a question like this, I can discuss it in my session and get an educated answer.  Thankfully, I’ve been reassured that I am neither delusional nor am I crazy. However, the question continues to hover around in my thoughts, which brings me to the question, how many people really worry about this?  

Do you know a worrier, aka a worry wart?  Maybe it’s one of your parents, a grandparent, a child, or maybe a friend. The known worry wart in my life was my maternal grandmother, and everyone mocked her for it.  (Lovingly mocked, but mocked non the less). I never thought anything of it, only thinking that she must worry about everyone because she was so loving and cared so deeply.  So does it go without saying then, that those that worry are the only ones that care? NO, I know that’s not true. So what drives the worrier to worry?  

Some say worrying drives control issues, while others say worrying is a sign of insecurity.  There is research to suggest worrying is genetic, and research showing people who grew up with an inattentive mother tend to be worriers, however further research also suggests the over attentive mother will raise a worrier as well.  One thing for certain is that being a worry wart is not only stressful on one’s mental being, but has negative effects on one’s physical health as well.  

I am a worrier.  I’m told my worrying is probably part genetics (my grandmother), but largely due to my insecure self thinking I cause problems or I haven’t done enough.  In other words, I am one that thinks I cause bad things to happen. Now where does THAT worry come from?  

What is important, I think, is for you to recognize that if you are indeed a worrier, and you want to overcome your worry, you must find where it starts.  

It’s no different than a leaky roof.  You can put a bucket down to catch the drips.  However, you can’t stop the water damage until you find and fix the leak.  

You might find that one of your parents personality flaws caused you issues, or perhaps the way that one kid or even a teacher talked to you at school so many years ago is the driving force.  Maybe one person, one time, said or did something to you that you’ve never gotten over. No one said this self exploration and self discovery was going to be easy, but I believe it’s necessary if we want to live free.  

Worriers know that worrying won’t change anything, but getting to the root of the worry could be a life changer.  

Don’t let the worry take time from you.  Time is one thing that none of us can control, and our time is limited.  Worry is a thief and worrying about tomorrow only steals precious time from today. Especially since we never know when our tomorrow won’t come.  

The Birds & the Bees, the Flowers & the trees, his Ex’s and me

Does everyone struggle with feeling like they have to measure up or surpass even the ex’s of your spouse?  We might be talking about long time significant others, spouses, whatever the case is…do you find yourself trying to compete with the ex or are you hyper sensitive about the ex?  WHY IS THIS?  We should give it up, honestly, WE are the one right here, right now the ex is an ex for a reason.  RIGHT???

Talk about a huge insecurity, my husband was with his ex-wife for a short time, she has even passed on since their divorce, and yet I still find myself almost obsessing at times about their time together and wondering if that was better than what we have.  Now seriously, how ridiculous is that?  We have been married longer than they were together period, he divorced her, and it should be obvious that he is happier now.  So why the worry??? 

Just recently I told him that I hate feeling like I have nothing new to offer him.  He has what I will call a “colorful” history with women which insinuates to me that he most likely has experienced an array of “diversity” in his life, including the sexual arena.  While he was living a wild, interesting dangerous lifestyle, I was a boring, doting wife and mother for whom “dangerous” was speeding while I was driving my kids to and from school.  How can I compete with all of that excitement?  Now that he’s married to me, there are no more parties, no more drunken debauchery, no more living on the wild side.  That has all been replaced with responsibility and stability.  (in other words-everything that his past was not) 

I find myself thinking things like….She was smaller than me.   She was prettier than me.  She liked to party a lot.  His family approved of her.  His family liked her more than me.  They did more traveling than we do.  They lived a more exciting lifestyle than we do.  I often wonder about stuff such as….Does he miss her cooking?  Did he like the way she dresses better than how I dress?  Was she a better housekeeper?  Was she a better decorator than I am?  Does he like our home as much as he liked theirs?  Or more specifically, does he like our bedroom as much as he liked theirs?   Some of the more personal things that run through my head are….Did she (or any of them from the past) look better naked?  Is there someone he thinks of and wishes our sex was as good as it was with “her”? 

I can’t be the only insecure person in the world that thinks about this stuff.  CAN I????  Assuming I’m not the only one, why do we put ourselves through this?  Why is it so hard for some of us to believe that we are lovable and accept that the life our spouse has with us is exactly what they were waiting for?   Why would anyone worry about such ridiculous things, instead of focusing on the present?    News flash…I am his wife now, our life together is all that really matters.  Any memories he has about his past has NOTHING to do with me, which means they don’t take away from me or our relationship.  If he still wanted all of the stuff from his past, he would still be there.  Right?!?  It seems so simple and it should be so obvious, and yet it’s so hard for me to believe. 

What sick about this thought process of mine, is that I seem to forget that I also have an ex.  More than that, my ex is still in my life because we have children together.  More than that still…my ex-mother in law is one of my best friends and My ex-sister in law and her daughters are also a big part of my life.  Who do I think I am?  He has to accept that part of my past in our life every day, but I can’t get over worrying about his past taking away from our present?  Seriously…when I say it out loud I’m embarrassed.  Do I think I’m that damn special and am filled with selfishness, or is my self-worth actually that fricking low?  Either way I look at it I think it’s selfish and it’s terrible.  Which then takes me right back to “why can’t I just get my damn head right and be normal?” 

What is normal?  I suspect it’s normal for most people to wonder about these same things to some extent at some point.  I also suspect it’s normal to want to be “the best choice”.  It’s when it crosses the line from a quick thought, to obsessing about it day after day that’s the problem.  So why do I need this constant reassurance that I am worth it?  It starting to look like, every issue I have goes back to my self-worth.  Was I born with this?  Is there one particular situation from my past that caused this?  Did one person in particular plant this seed of self-doubt, or is there a conglomeration of things that contributed to this issue of mine?   I can’t help but believe that the key to my healing and self-improvement is finding out or at least understanding the why, when and where and confronting it head on. 

I am 47 years old, and I am tired of losing precious time in my life to this demon.  Not only is it not fair to me, it’s not fair to my husband or anyone close to me, I’ve allowed this demon to steal from my life and that affects anyone in my world.  My thought process is pretty black and white.  I need answers to questions, I need to be able to close a book in order to move on.  It’s time I pay special attention to this, deal with it, fix it, and then believe in it so that I can live free of these chains of doubt.  I’m worth it……right?!?!?!?

Don’t wait until tomorrow to deal with your demons, they are stealing precious time from you.  We never know what tomorrow will be our last, don’t wait another moment because you, your loved ones, and your life are worth it. 

This is my Queen crown to match my husbands King crown

MOOSH MOOSH

My babys birthday is in 5 days and he will be 17 years old. When I look at him I see such a strong young man. He is funny, he is smart, he is honest, he is loving, he is hard working. He is my miracle baby.  When I was pregnant with him I was quite ill.  I had gestational diabetes, I had toxemia, most every food made me sick, and my kidneys weren’t functioning at 100%. I was put on bedrest 2 months before my due date. A few days later I went into labor, a hectic search for my husband, a crazy drive to the hospital and an emergency C-section later…my miracle son was born.

Leaving the hospital without him was horrible.  I remember walking out of the hospital with my husband and a nurse next to another mom, dad and their newborn.  That was the saddest I had ever been to that point in my life.  Next was going home to tell his brothers was hard, but his 6 year old brother was crushed. He wanted to hold his little brother SO BAD.

I used to think my first two children had such tough childhood because they didn’t have their biological dads.  I realize now that yes that is tough, but even though they never had them around, it’s all they knew.  And…they always had their mom with them.  My younger two sons however, their story is different.  I realize everyone has their sad story and less than perfect childhood, so again, I’m only telling you this to give a little background. 

My baby (youngest) was so close to his dad, in fact they were besties.  He was barely 6 years old when the separation began.  Within a year, his dad moved out, his mom worked three jobs (meaning he and his barely teen brother were alone a lot), his mom then got a job 9 ½ hours away from home in order to keep the bank at bay.  Now we have a 7 and 13 year old pair of brothers with their mom long distance for several months, while at the same time living with their dad back at home which would have been great except that he is an alcoholic and that’s all I’ll say about that. 

Months later when I was able to come back home to stay, my babies spent many nights sleeping on the floor of my best friends’ house because that’s where I was staying until I could find a place to live.  Once the boys and I got settled, they dealt with older brothers never coming home to visit, their dad missing many visits and finally their dad going to jail.  The entire time, my youngest, my miracle baby, continued to smile through it all.  He never complained, he never argued, he never acted out and got into trouble, he just stayed strong and hung in there.  I remember a couple times when he saw me crying, he would hugged me and said “It’s ok mom, dad doesn’t try to make you sad”. 

My baby loves to hunt and fish, he started going with his dad when he was barely walking.  His dad was the only one we are close to that does those things, so his two favorite hobbies were no longer an option for him.  He had relatives promise to include him on their hunting plans every year, but that never happened.   He is the only one of my children that had an outside of home fulltime working mother for the majority of his childhood.  He has had many days of going to school, and not always knowing who was going to pick him up at the end of the day.  

He never asks for anything.  He has always been and still is the most easy going kid.  He has never really gotten to do much outside of home unless it’s a planned activity because he’s had to sit home all summer while mom was at work and we don’t live close to anything.  I know he dealt with some sadness his early teen years, but it never became a big problem for him.  He worked his way out of it (of course we supported him)  I can see there is a bit of disconnect with his 2 oldest brothers because of the large age gap between them.  I’ve tried very hard to keep my family close, to keep my children together and so he doesn’t get lost in the shuffle or feel left out.  I would always tell them, he supported them when they were home or even at college, they can put forth an effort to do the same for him.  It really bothers me when they don’t. The saddest part to this story I think, is that since his oldest two brothers have “disowned” me, they haven’t kept in touch with him either.  As if it’s no bad enough that they wrote me off, keep me from my grandchildren, but they write him off as well?  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?  This huge hearted, hard working, ask for nothing young man told his adult brothers to grow up when they were publicly humiliating me, and now they won’t talk to him.  Does he whine? Whimper? Shed one tear?  Nope, rather he has watched his mother go through this horrible bought of depression, has given me more hugs in the past 2 years than I’ve probably had in my entire life from my adult children.  I feel like he’s been put almost in an adult position for the past 10 years, and that saddens me terribly.  At the same time, his maturity and his demeanor impress me beyond measure.  I have learned more about patience, acceptance, forgiveness, and self love from him than anywhere else.   

He has such a great smile, and you will rarely see him without it.  He is always pitching in to help people, he can’t get enough time with his grandma and loves to help her.  When given directions or instructions, or discipline even, he won’t argue he just accepts and/or does what is needed. 

I don’t have much time left with him under my wing, and I can barely handle the thought of him being gone.  People will say to me things like “I bet you’re excited, last one and you’re almost done”.  SERIOUSLY???  NO!!!!  I don’t want to be done.  I can’t imagine anything better to life than being an active mother with your children in your house.  (but I’ve told you that before) 

Have I told you I call my baby “Moosh Moosh”?  Yes, you read that right.  LOL   When he was born, he retained so much fluid because of my pregnancy issues, he was all “mooshy”.  Therefore, he has always been my “Moosh Moosh” and “Moosh Moosh” only to me.  If you ever meet my “Moosh Moosh”, and are fortunate to have him in your life, you may want to pay attention, watch and learn, because he is one of the great ones.  His smile goes on for days, his laugh is contagious, and the sparkle in his eyes remind you that there are still good people in this world. 

What do I need to do to be sure he doesn’t hate me like the oldest 2 do?  I worry about this almost daily.  I find myself thinking, how long until he thinks that I’m a POS and I miss being a part of the rest of his life too?  I see now why we were blessed with him, why we defeated the medical threats of our pregnancy and he is with us today.  He has a special purpose, a great one I’m certain.  People will learn much from my baby, because he has a lot to teach, even if he’s not trying to. 

I want to make sure our last year and a half at home together are our best together.  I need them to be, for both of us.  We have made it through a lot together, and there has been more than enough sadness.  I want us to celebrate our successes and our endurance.  I am thankful for all of my children, and I believe all children are a miracle, but my “Moosh Moosh” is not just a miracle, he’s an inspiration.  If he ever sees this blog, and can pick one thing for him to take away from this entry, it would be for him to know how thankful I am for him and all he has given to me.  He has given me more than I could ever ask for.  I wish him the most amazing future and hope that each and every one of his dreams come true.  I love you son. 

This is my tattoo that
represents my Moosh Moosh

Be Aware

My last post I gave you a quick analogy of my teenage years.  Not because I want to sing you a self-pity song, but to in fact make sure all of my cards are on the table so that you can see what angle I am coming from.  I believe the better I paint the picture, the more sense my ramblings will make to you. 

With so many insecurities, how is a mother supposed to teach her children to believe in themselves and she doesn’t even know how to believe in herself?  What can happen to a mother/child relationship if the mother has so many insecurities?  Just because a mother is insecure, doesn’t necessarily mean she will teach her children to be insecure.  In fact, I wonder how common it is for the insecure mother to unintentionally raise an “over secure” child because often times, a mother will try to fix the things that we don’t like about ourselves or our lives, with the intention of protecting them.  Perhaps when our children are young, they don’t even recognize these insecurities. However, once they are old enough, do they recognize the signs?  Do they learn this as normal behavior, or do they see it as a weakness.  If they see it as a weakness, do they take advantage of the situation and use it to their fullest advantage?  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe our children young or old are heathens just trying to take advantage of us any chance they get.  However, I do believe it’s natural for anyone to use a situation to their advantage when possible.  After all, don’t most people live with survival of the fittest mentality? 

Gaslighting, the perfect storm for manipulators when used on insecure people.   This is a term I was introduced to this past year.  It’s interesting how often this happens both intentionally and unintentionally, almost fascinating in fact.  Wikipedia defines gaslighting: 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

Is the person who uses this form of manipulation using it intentionally?  Are they taking advantage of an insecure person for their own benefit?  I suppose some use it purposely with the sole intention of emotional hurt to another, while I can’t help but wonder if this tactic might be used by some insecure people as a protective mechanism for themselves.  With that in mind, it seems to me that there may be much more insecurity amongst us than we realize.  Perhaps the bullies, manipulators, and abusers are also insecure people, but instead of being emotionally weak, they have found that scaring others is their best way to protect themselves and their insecurities.  There’s an interesting thought, the bully is just as insecure as the person being bullied.  The difference then, only being how each individual chooses to deal with their insecurities.  Is it possible that the reality of any individual actually being secure in themselves is only a myth?   

The Need To Belong

Sometimes I feel like I’m the girl that just can’t catch a break, that has never fit or belonged.  A pity party for myself I suppose, but I hate to think that I put myself on the pity train everyday.  I don’t want to be that girl. 

It goes back so many years, my high school days for example.  I loved sports, I played basketball, I ran track, I was in band, I was a cheerleader, but I was never quite good enough to be noticed for it.  Then again, who doesn’t want to be noticed. It’s not like I didn’t make a huge effort, I did everything that was asked, and more. I think maybe what bothers me the most was since I wasn’t one of “the stars” or maybe it was because my family didn’t have connections, I don’t know.  It always felt like I was one of the girls that had to “do some sort of magic” to get noticed. I remember always feeling like all I ever heard was that I wasn’t tall enough, or I should lose a few pounds. I’ll never forget my senior year on parents night, which was the last regular season home game when you were introduced with your parents to the crowd.  I had a knee injury and I didn’t get to play. This was always a special night for the team, especially if you were a senior. I remember standing there with tears running down my face, and the coach looked at me and said, “just think how “girl 1” or “girl 2” would feel if this was them. Just imagine that.” As if it would be more traumatic for one of the teams superstars than it was for anyone else.  

In track, my favorite race was the 400m.  For anyone that has participated or watched high school track, you know that for sprinters, the 400 meter is the race you love to hate.  You love to be good at it because it’s an elite group of people that can run that race well, but you hate to run it because it’s just damn horrible. LOL   loved that race so much, I can’t tell you how much I loved it, but every year it was the same thing, the coach would tell me your not as goo’d as “girl 1” or “girl 2”, but you’re doing alright.  And of course my favorite, “ you’d be faster if you lost a few pounds”. I look back now and I can see that I was not fat, there was nothing wrong with me. I was a sprinter I was made up of fast twitch muscles and I used them well.  I always wanted to run the individual sprint events because I would watch the stats in the weekly paper and see that I could compete in the top 10 in our state. But my Coach would consistently load me up on all relays and so I always had to depend on three other people, not just myself.  I didn’t mind being a team player, but it would have been nice to earn my own metals and not just for the races that all the credit of the wins were given to other people, never me. It’s like I was just a body to make sure the relay team had 4. Two years in a row watching the stats for the state track meet, I could have placed in two of the three races that I wanted to compete in individually.   When I pointed it out to the coach he told me that running it individual and running a split was different the point I’m trying to make is I was never good enough. When I was a teenager, most of my friends were boys the bad thing about that is if you have a crush on one of those boys, no one really takes you seriously because you’re like one of the guys One more example of not good enough I was often called a social butterfly, but when I look back, I felt more like the black sheep.  I didn’t really fit into any of the “groups” of teens, I certainly wasn’t asked by many to hang out. But at the same time, if I asked, most would let me. 

At home, I was the oldest by 6-10 years.  I always felt like my 3 siblings had each other, knew the same people, could have good conversation with each other, but I was like the outsider. They weren’t only siblings, they were friends with each other, knew the same people, went to the same places, I was always just “THE OLDER SISTER”.   

Where do I belong?  Where do I fit? I’ve never really fit anywhere, except being mom.  I fit there. No wonder I take it so seriously and over the top. My family, my children, my grandchildren …its where I fit.  Or at least, it used to be. I assumed that all of my children would love me and support me unconditionally, as I have them. Don’t assume.  

Just because you love your family unconditionally, doesn’t mean your family will do the same for you.  Be thankful for who is actively in your life today, because the tomorrow that you expect, may never come.  

My crying eyes tattoo signifying my ongoing sadness

Random Thoughts…

Why am I less than?

Am I less than?

Maybe I’m not less, maybe I’m more and they want me to think I’m less because no one wants to be the lesser

I look weak because I waver, stand tall to look mighty

How can I expect anyone to love me if I dont like myself

You cant take care of others if you’re suffering

No one wants to be forgotten, yet so many try to forget

If you fail yourself, you’re no good to anyone

Dont let them steal your heart, you deserve to love the way you choose

You will always have been my baby boy, no badass attitude will change that

Your shitty attitude might change my future, but it cant take away my memories…they will always be mine

He will never forget his grandma with whom he shared so much, you can hide the pictures, but you cant erase the memory

You’re only a victim to their cruelty if you allow yourself to be

Everyone is capable of hurting someone, it takes a good person to admit it, it takes a better person to control the urge.

Time to unzip and say what needs to be said